There are many people who want attention from my children. Why wouldn’t they? My kids are cute and say adorable things. My daughter’s smile will light up your life if you are lucky enough to be on the receiving end. Her “I love you” will melt you, I promise. My son will hug you with such gusto that he’ll swallow you whole. He’ll entrust you with thoughts surprisingly insightful beyond his years and your eyes will widen with amazement. If you earn their adoration, your heart will soar with joy.
But they might not give you any of those things. And I won’t make them.
You may be family, or friend, or stranger, it doesn’t matter. Every kid might normally love you, I’m certain of it. If I feel safe, I will smile at you, chat with you, and laugh with you. We’ll bond over how much joy can be found in these wonderful youth. If I care about you or love you, I will hug you and show my children how wonderful you are. And maybe they will open up. But, maybe they won’t. And, just as my interactions were my choices, that is up to them.
Perhaps you will be like most people, and you will smile and say “of course, in their own time.” You won’t push, and if they are especially shy or uncertain, hiding behind my skirt, you’ll smile at all of us, wave good bye and walk away. Or you’ll keep your distance until you find some wonderful way to bond with them and give them cause to open their hearts freely to you. Because you’ll know what I know: that children deserve respect and space.
But, maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll look at me and think that we are rude, that I should encourage or demand social niceties. Maybe your longing to interact with my children will drive you to demand, pushing some expectation of respect for elders upon my children. Or maybe you just won’t understand, and coercion will be your next approach, whatever it takes to get that snuggle fix.
This is when I will step in. But not to help you, no. This is where I will ask or determine my child’s emotions and I will redirect us or them away. I will speak kindly for them, “he’s not comfortable right now,” and leave it at that. We will move on to another part of the store, or house, or wherever we happen to be.
It’s not because I don’t love you or care about you. I know you just want to love them. I might even feel a little sad for you that you didn’t get that award-winning smile or hug. It is a loss, I know it. Sometimes, even I lose. But it’s not my job to take care of your sadness or hurt feelings. It’s not my job to teach my children to care more about you than their own bodies. In fact, it’s just the opposite.
I know that when you’re trying to connect with a child, concepts like bodily autonomy and consent seem like the farthest thing from relevant. You’re not trying to hurt or scare them. You just want to love them. I get it, I really do. How could love be harmful or dangerous??
The thing is, a child’s right to make choices about his or her body takes precedence in every interaction. Every time we force or physically manipulate their bodies to do something (anything), we are making a statement about bodily autonomy and consent. We are either telling them those things don’t matter or that they matter above all else.
In today’s climate of sexting, online sexual bullying, countless stories of rape and sexual assault, fears of sexual abuse (most often committed by people children know well and trust), and allegations of “rape culture,” the need for any parent to implement strategies to protect their children is of the highest priority. To teach children to respect the bodily autonomy of another person and understand what “consent” truly means, and give them a voice to protect their own autonomy, demand consent, or recognize danger, they must first and always experience that respect for their own bodies and voice from the people they trust.
Before they have a voice, I will be that voice so they know what it sounds like, how to listen to it, and how to proclaim it. I will confirm that their feelings and intuition are valid, before they even know what that means. One day, they will need to use their voice or respect someone else’s and we are laying that groundwork now.
This is the important work. More important than social niceties telling them that what others want or need takes priority. Yes, I must also raise kind, caring, and socially respectful people. Raising my children to understand consent is an integral part of that.
So please, beam your smile upon my children and show them that the world is full of love and they are welcomed into it. But know, that children deserve the same respect and space we adults give each other. Know that they are at the beginning of a long and deep journey to understand and protect their inner voice. And know that only when you help me protect that voice, together, as a village, can we raise a stronger, kinder, and more respectful generation.
This is a guest post written by Anjali from More Than Just Montessori.
Anjali is an American Montessori Society certified educator working closely with primary aged children (2 to 6 years) and their families since 2003 and substitute teaches at her children’s Montessori school. As a faculty member of the Northern Virginia Montessori Institute, she educates future teachers in the language development of young children. Now a mostly stay-at-home mother to her son and her daughter, her approach to parenting credits Montessori philosophy, positive discipline, attachment parenting, gentle parenting, and staying apprised of current research in child development. But, most of all, she’s all about snuggles, modeling kindness, and a warm cup of tea.
Anonymous says
Excellent article, Anjali and so extremely important. The child advocate in me is absolutely rejoicing that you have written this. Working at child advocacy centers and therapeutic schools for children who have been traumatized by physical and sexual abuse, this article needs to find its way to parents, teachers, doctors, therapists, social workers, religious leaders, etc. across the country and the world. Thank you so much, dear friend.
Carolina says
Thank you so much! We are doing our best to make sure this post gets seen by as many people as possible. 🙂
J9 says
Thank you for the Photo and the article! Even I never demanded a hug or a kiss from my son. I asked, Can I have a hug? Do have an extra kiss for me? Do you want a goodnight hug? He understood he was in charge. ( and he could stop the “tickle bug” by saying “STOP”) Now my daughter (younger sibling) we nicknamed the Velcro Baby. These are humans with different everything!! Never say “Well I think…” around me, Because you obviously haven’t thought about it. We as adults have the ability to deal with such demands, Children are watchers they will learn.
Carolina says
Thank you for your lovely comment! I completely agree. Your children are lucky to have you as their parent. 🙂
Natalie Jones says
Such a fantastic read Abigail, eloquently written and absolutely true. I have worked with children for ten years in various establishments but mainly as a nanny. I always respect them as people first and foremost – we connect as (and when) they are ready and once trust is established? I find that listening and respect for you as an adult come quite naturally! I used to date a guy in Texas and looked at signing up to a Montessori school – they seemed wonderful 🙂 Going to share and subscribe – looking forward to reading more of what you have to say!
Best, Natalie
Anjali says
Thank you, Natalie! So wonderful when I am able to meet caregivers who put respect of the child first ❤️
Linda says
While I fully understand the concept presented here, I think there is a continuum which might need to be considered. One side of the continuum is what this mother presents. The other side of this continuum is the development of empathy, kindness, and sharing. I fear that with all the focus on the risks of interpersonal relationships that some children will loose out on the early opportunities for responsiveness. I have seen this happen before, just as I have seen children being forced to interact in ways they clearly were not prepared to do. I think if a parent recognizes the continuum, they will be able to most effectively help their children develop healthy patterns of social interactions.
Carolina says
Thank you for sharing your tip with our readers!
ozarkgrandma says
Linda, my reaction to this blog is similar to yours. There is a balance in all things, and children need to know they are valued and have rights, but also to value and consider the rights and feelings of other (adults) who care about them.
Alyssa W. says
Yes! I have struggled with just doing what others expect me to do when it comes to my child and for the 8 months she has been in this world and I have been miserable, this has encouraged and empowered me that no, I do not need to worry about the feelings of adults but I need to be aware and worried about the feelings of my child. I’m so sad that I hadn’t had the courage to do it sooner.
Carolina says
Mama don’t feel bad! Courage is something that builds up over time. Now that you have the courage, use it to be an advocate for your child. 🙂
Lindsey Gustad says
I keep being shocked by the ways that people feel comfortable encroaching on my daughter’s space and free will. Relatives seem to think she’s some sort of party favor that should be passed around. Strangers touch her and get in her face. I didn’t think such a big part of being a mother would be telling people “Hey, she’s a person too! Treat her like one!”