A Letter from a Baby Who Is Being Sleep Trained
If you are passionate about sleep training and letting your baby cry it out, this is not the post for you. Please close the browser now.
But if you’re on the fence about sleep training, are against letting your baby cry it out or are a co-sleeping mom then keep on reading.
This post is not meant to judge moms who believe in sleep training, but to provide support for moms who feel like it’s not for them and are being told it’s the only way.
Dear mama,
I love you so much. From the moment I was in your belly hearing your voice and feeling your heart beat I knew you were the right mama for me.
You made me feel so safe. You always worried about what to eat and made sure I was growing on track. You gave me the best hug the first time we met. Meeting you was the best day of my life, mama.
When you walk into a room, it lights up. You are my biggest protector and your arms is where I feel the power of you love. I don’t need anything else when I have you.
When you hold me I feel like all is better, I’m safe, I’m loved and I look at you and close my eyes. I love falling asleep when you hold me, mama.
Sometimes I wake up at night, I’m hungry and other times I just miss you. I call for you and your soothing touch makes me feel all better and I’m able to fall back asleep because mama, there’s something so magical about you.
But recently things have changed. I wonder if I did something to upset you. You left me crying in my crib. I was all alone. Scared. Hungry. I just wanted you to hold me.
I cried for you mama and you came but you patted my back and told me to sleep. You didn’t even pick me up.
I don’t know what you mean when you tell me I have to learn to fall asleep on my own. I just want you to hold me and feel safe. I want to fall asleep smelling you and listening to your heartbeat. It reminds me of those days when we were one.
I kept on crying for you and each time it felt like I had to call out for you for an eternity. Why aren’t you coming right away like you used…like you still do during the day?
You come but you don’t hold me. You don’t pick me up. You don’t even try to figure out why I’m crying. And each time I cry and cry for you until I give up. I give up because my head hurts, my eyes burn, my tummy is growling and my heart hurts because you’re not holding me.
Mama I’m so sad. Why are you leaving me to cry? I’m so little. I can’t do anything by myself. I need you.
I’m scared. I’m hungry. I’m lonely. I miss you. Please hold me.
Let me fall asleep in your arms mama. I know you feel in your heart this is the right way because I know your heart. I know you.
Don’t leave crying alone at night. I promise I will learn to sleep on my own once I’m ready but for now, please just hold me.
I miss you mama.
If you loved this post, you’re going to love these too: Don’t Tell Me To Let My Baby Cry It Out and Don’t Hold My Baby.
Amber Starr says
This makes me so sad. I definitely can’t imagine doing cry it out. It would just break my heart. We’ve had a lot of really rough nights lately, but I’m just trying to enjoy these extra snuggles because I know how quickly that they’ll disappear as she gets older.
Carolina says
Yes! We’ve had rough nights too and it can be hard at times but it doesn’t mean we have to let them cry.
I’m happy to read you’re enjoying those extra snuggles. ❤️
Jannastyles says
:'((( I just can’t do it yall… she’s gunna be so spoiled and drives her daddy nuts once I finally just fall asleep into a slumber of no waking from mommin’ all day… I’m older now and I just wanna hold my babygirl sweet Lil livvie! Love this site!
Sirena says
There is no only one way. Don’t believe the myths meant to divide us! I support you moms all around. Good luck and Godspeed to us and our kids! Life isn’t easy and a loving start helps more than anything.
Carolina says
I couldn’t agree more. 🙂 🙂
Jamie Yonash says
I could never let my babies cry….I have lost a lot of sleep over the past 18 years, but it was worth it to me! Loved your letter….I think it is pretty accurate about how a baby feels…it is lonely! Snuggling my babies at night was one of my favorite things!
Carolina says
I’m so happy you liked my letter and that you didn’t let your babies cry. 🙂 The lack of sleep can be hard sometimes but they’re so little and need us so much.
Anonymous says
Oh my God ur letter made me cry, my baby is 40 days old and I don’t even think about letting him cry . God bless you
Carolina says
Oh my goodness, a newborn! Congrats on your new little one. I am so happy you liked this post because I think it’s so important not let your baby just cry it out. Good luck on this amazing journey mama!
Anonymous says
This all true!
Carolina says
It makes me happy that you agree. 🙂
Amy says
Oh I love this letter!! I rock my baby to sleep every night and normally nap time as well, I have always enjoyed that time with him and I know I’m going to blink and he’ll be a big boy before my eyes. Just this week he’s been taking a lot longer at night to fall asleep and I started to wonder if I should let him cry it out, he’s almost 13 months and Im a first time mom, but I just hate the thought of him in the dark crying till he passes out. Thank you for this letter it reaffirms my feelings on this subject … My lil guy will one day fall asleep on his own but for now if it takes 45 mins in my arms then so be it ?
Carolina says
You’re such a sweet mama! I enjoy those moments too and I remember when it took my first kid sometimes over an hour to fall asleep. There would be nights I loved it and some that I really wished she just fell asleep.
With my second I have a rule that I try for 30mins and if she’s not asleep we’ll go back into the living room and try again in half an hour or so. It has worked great although it also means she goes to bed later than I’d like to. But at least this way everyone is happy and she doesn’t have to cry herself to sleep. ❤️
Anonymous says
This does motivate me to keep enjoying when he cries for me from his crib by my bed and I get to unite with him for half the night. I bitch a little to my partner that I hardly slept because I changed all the diapers and breast feed, but secretly I don’t mind and I get to sleep in guilt free
Carolina says
The first year is rough, especially if you’re breastfeeding because you’re the one that has to get up but there’s nothing like waking up and getting baby snuggles. ❤️
Michelle says
I’m a momma who tried it both ways. CIO was recommended to me as THE way to go. My hubby and I promised we would never do it again, it was horrible. My poor baby #2, now we are on baby #4 and I am just so tired and need rest to hv the energy to tackle the following day. The ages are 7yrs -10 mos. I’m at a loss as to how to make my baby sleep. So I tired it once more because I was so desperate for him to nap, a week of listless napping. Only wants to be held, wakes up as soon as I take him off the breast. But he will not soothe himself to sleep during the day(no pacifiers, stuffed animals, blankets, nothing). Now that he’s moving/crawling more and has 4 teeth, he seems to be doing better at night. More active, bigger meals could be helping.
I love nursing him, such a special time because he’s our last, it’ll go by fast. I just need him to sleep during the day so he can be healthy and rested. There are days where he won’t nap, like an actual sleeping-past-10-min-kind until 2p, 3p or 4pm. I may try Mobying him this next wk if it’s the same as last wk, and see if that helps. I don’t know if that’ll make the problem worse or not. Tips? Ideas?
Carolina says
Have you tried babywearing? That’s what I’ve done with my kids when they’re fighting me to sleep. Another trick that works for us is bouncing the baby on a stability ball (those giant balls you use in the gym – they’re cheap on Amazon).
My 11 month old is also going through a phase where she’s fighting naps so much and even bedtime because she just wants to be part of it all. I’ve realized with her it’s always a phase and the lack of sleep is connected to some developmental phase. Right now she’s sleeping bad because she’s learning to walk. So maybe your baby is going through something like that…?
One last thing, I find that the wonder weeks app is really useful at explaining phases and giving you a heads up of when baby might start acting out of the ordinary.
Good luck mama! If nothing works join “mama instincts tribe” Facebook group. The ladies there can also share what has worked for them…some of it might work for you. ❤️
Anna says
I love this! I never leave my baby to cry herself to sleep, I don’t get much sleep but I know it won’t last forever. I always get so many hateful comments when I post things against the CIO method… I shared this letter to a mom’s post asking about CIO and was instantly attacked by another mother (who does the CIO method) about how I’m guilt tripping this other mom. It happens every time :/ I feel so bad for those babies…
Carolina says
Anna I can completely relate and why I was even on the fence about posting this. The hateful comments can be too much…
I don’t understand how can anyone let their baby cry. It’s too heartbreaking for me but I try not to say anything because ultimately everyone will do what they think is best. My only hope is that those moms that are on the fence about it reconsider after reading this post.
Thank you for sharing it and I’m sorry you got hateful comments because of it. ?
Anna says
Oh yes I agree, I never usually say anything to moms who are adamant on the CIO method, I only post or comment to moms who are on the fence. Thank you for writing this!
Carolina says
Thank you Anna! ❤️
Chelsea says
This was so beautiful, it made me tear up! (I blame postpartum hormones) baby #3 is 5 weeks, and I haven’t let any of my babes cry it out. I tried it with the first one for about 2 nights, couldn’t handle it! It felt like a betrayal to our connection. I still have to lull my almost 3 year old to sleep every night or he’ll cry for me, and some nights it sucks, honestly, I’m just so tired I want him to put himself to sleep, but he begs me to stay with him and sing lullabies and I just can’t say no. When I give in and sit with him to sing, he smiles, takes my hand, and all is well.
Carolina says
Chelsea congrats on your new baby! ❤️❤️
My baby is almost one and I’m still tired. That’s the hardest part of motherhood.
I am on the same boat as you with my 3 year old. She loves to go to sleep with me or hubby but sometimes she only wants me.
I too try to enjoy that moment or less it just makes it harder.
I’m so happy to read you’ve managed to avoid CIO with 3 kids!
Cristina says
Hello,
Let me just say my son was a champ at sleep training… Never cried more then 5-10 minutes. & only for 3 nights and he was completely trained. I would never let my son cry. I would pick him up, and rock him to sleep again and tip toe out of the room. Like I said, he never had an issue and I don’t think it’s as “sad” as you make it out to be. I breastfed for 19 months and he learned to take in a lot more during the day. He was sleep trained at 4 months after more than doubling his birth weight and remained in the 75th percentile + in weight, so I’m not concerned that he was hungry. I understand that many mothers think it’s the “letting them cry it out method” but I would never condone such a thing. My baby felt safe and loved and knew that if he even whimpered mommy would be there. I don’t think it’s fair that some moms make it so dramatic. For some babies it’s not. It actually teaches them to sleep. A good quality sleep is necessary for every baby/child and it needs me to taught. My child remains the best sleeping 3 year old I know. He sleeps through every single night and still naps over 2 hours. Just my piece. I understand both sides and that sleep training isn’t for everyone but there are differences in the way parents sleep train. Overall I think this article was very well written as most mothers do think letting them cry and cry is actually going to work. That’s horrible. Thanks! -Cristina
Carolina says
Hello Cristina! There is definitively not a one size fits all advice when it comes to parenting – everyone does what’s best for their family and kids. That being said, I am glad your method worked for you and that it didn’t involved leaving your child crying for hours. It breaks my heart when I hear other moms talking about letting their baby cry 1-2 hours non-stop and it’s why I wrote this post. 🙂
phdnerd says
Is this a joke or what? “Never cried more then 5-10 minutes”…wow, I don’t think it’s normal to intentionally cry for 1 minute! You do not agree with the post – shut up and move on! Do not bring your negativity on others who do not believe in cry-it-out! This post is meant for moms who do not believe in the stupid, unscientific and inhumane method of “cry-it-out”
Anonymous says
I didn’t let my baby cry. I don’t believe in letting your baby cry. This is a wonderful letter.Thanks for sharing.
Carolina says
I am so happy you liked it! ? it means a lot.
Sabrina says
what works for some, doesnt work for everyone. I could easily post an “open letter to my mom, who didn’t let me cry it out” and the loss of independence and security that they CAN survive with out their mother. That they too, are strong and independent. That they can soothe them self to sleep and that life doesn’t hand them everything and anything theywant, or even need!! My daughter is 15mo and it took 2days to sleep train her. 7:30pm she goes right in her crib, I say night night, sweet dreams, and she’s sleeping for 10-12 hours! To me, that’s healthy, and me and my husband are healthy and not drained. Your letter is absolutely offensive to parents who choose this method.
Carolina says
I understand that every parent does what’s best for their kids and I know some people strongly believe in CIO and that’s why I put the disclaimer at the top.
This post is not meant to be read by parents that believe in CIO.
phdnerd says
Your comment is very offensive to parents who do not believe in cry-it-out! Are you hearing yourself? Attachment parenting/gentle parenting – which includes the NO-CRY-IT-OUT method has been scientifically proven to help kids become more secure and independent. On the contrary, the cry-it-out method raises the level of cortisol which is associated with stress…so basically, baby are stressed and cry themselves to sleep because they are exhausted – not because they can “self-soothe”! Cry-it-out is not in line with any theories/practices in psychology! It’s inhumane! So please spare me of your comments and appreciate this wonderful letter!
Jennifer says
Take it from someone who has three teenagers (who all were held endlessly and slept with us when they were scared or lonely or sick or just cause) they grow up so fast. I have one more, gone were the days of snuggling babies and feeling their breath on my chest until he was born. Now he’s almost two and my snuggling days are limited once again. Hold them for as long as you want, let them sleep with you for as long as you want and never let anyone tell you anything other than your instinct is best.
Carolina says
Thank you for saying this! ❤️ it means a lot. My kids are still small but it does feel like they’re growing up so fast and I want to enjoy every moment I get.
I love reading advice from mamas that have been through this. ❤️
Mallory says
Beautiful letter! My husband and I have never let our 9 month old son CIO. Just wouldn’t feel right doing that. We co-sleep and we’re all happy and content! Lots of love & snuggles! Thanks for posting!!!
Carolina says
I’m so happy you liked it and even more happy that CIO is something you wouldn’t do. ❤️
Jennifer says
Your heartfelt article made me cry! Not just tear up, but really cry! Over 16 years ago with baby number one, I tried letting him cry it out because that’s what society says you should do. One time. It went against every fiber of my maternal being. When I went to check on him, he had fallen asleep sitting up in the corner of his crib. He had just flat given up on me. It tore me apart and I never did it again. Now my 5th baby is 6 months old and he still nurses to sleep and anytime he wants to during the night. I think about it from a different perspective: most adults feel lonely trying to sleep at night in the absence of our spouse. How, then, can we expect a little baby, the most dependent of all creatures, to feel confident and secure all alone in a crib? And so suddenly, as you said, after tending to every need in the beginning and then suddenly leaving them alone, essentially ignoring them. I tell people the best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is to follow your instincts and not what you read or hear. Most maternal instincts do not involve trying to force independence on a baby who is incapable of yet being independent. I now have 3 teenagers, a 10 year old, and a 6 month old. My older ones grew to be very confident, secure, and independent! Thank you so much for reminding me that my sacrifices are worth it!
Carolina says
Hello Jennifer!
Your comment has truly made my day. It is so inspiring to read from moms that have followed this path and have older confident and independent kids. It makes it all worth it!
My husband and I always talk about how adults like to “bed-share” so of course a baby would want the same. I think it’s human nature…
Your kids are really lucky to have such a nurturing mom and a mom that follows her instincts, because at the end of the day, our instincts don’t fail us (or rarely fails us).
Thank you for leaving this comment and confirming that this is the right way. 🙂
Katy says
Reading this as I rock my sleeping 6 week old baby girl crying my eyes out. Last night she finally slept in her own bed (right next to mine). It was nice to have my bed and get some sleep but the second she wants back in my bed or to be rocked I’m right there. Others may think I’m spoiling her but I call it loving her. I’m the one with her 24/7 I’ll tend to her the way I see fit. Nothing wrong with extra snuggles and kisses! ❤
Carolina says
Awww congrats on your baby! And I couldn’t agree more…that’s not spoiling, it’s being there for your baby. I miss snuggling with a tiny baby, mine are getting so big and it happens so fast. 😮
Anonymous says
I tell everyone I’m taking advantage of it now because one day I’ll want to hug her, cuddle her, and kiss her and she’s going to be to big and not like it anymore.
Carolina says
Yes! I couldn’t agree more. This time is so precious!
Lacey says
Awe I loved this letter. My daughter is 8 months old. She has been breastfed from the start and since I returned to work she has just loved getting up to spend more time with me during the night. I’m talking 4-5 times a night. All it takes is a little milk and just me holding her and she goes back to sleep in her co-sleeper next to us. Getting up during the night doesn’t bother me. I miss her so much during the day I cant imagine not being there to comfort her when she wakes up crying. No way. I’ll sleep someday, but for now, I’ll enjoy every minute she wants to be by me.
Carolina says
You’re so sweet! These moments are precious and those extra snuggles totally make my day too. I am happy to know your daughter has such an amazing mama! 🙂
Anonymous says
This letter I think is great to point out that there is a right way to sleep train. First the child has to be the right age under 6 months the baby cries cause they need something even if that is to be held. And even a bit older you have to know your child. We tried sleep training and after 20 or 30 minutes of him horribly crying I knew it wasn’t right. I love this letter points out the physical effects of crying to long. As I have said to many people I fell like crap if I cry myself to sleep, how much worse is it for a baby. Again no judgment for those who sleep trained if it was done right but each child is so different we must remember to make sure childs true needs are met.
Carolina says
Thanks for your comment! I personally don’t believe in CIO so we didn’t try it at any age and now our oldest sleep in her room, all on her own with no issues (unless she has a nightmare and comes to us) so there are definitively other ways that work. I agree with that you said that it’s important to meet our kid’s needs. You make a good point about how awful it would be even for an adult to fall asleep crying…
Shaylan says
You’re letter is so moving! My baby is almost 9 mos now and is the most precious thing in the world to me. Me and my husband did do the CIO method because I was at a loss of what to do. She would only sleep for maybe 2 hours at a time and only take a few short naps during the day. I was so worn out that I had to do something. It was extremely difficult to use the CIO method and hopefully I won’t feel the need the next go around. After reading your post I would love to go back and do things a bit differently. Even now I let her cry for a little while but will probably stop now that I read this. She is growing up so fast and I forget I won’t get these precious cuddle moments back. Thank you so much for the enlightenment and encouragement.
Carolina says
I’m so happy you liked this post. I know that first year can be heard – I still have a 16 month old that wakes up several times a night to breastfeed but bed sharing makes it easier…and if you feel bad doing it, maybe it’s because you’re instincts are telling you something mama. ?
Plamena says
Amazing letter 🙂 It is really inspiring for any mama that wouldn’t let her baby CIO! These moments are so precious and they go by so quickly. I wouldn’t miss them for the world! Thanks for the encouragement and the support 🙂
Carolina says
I am so happy you liked this post! Thank you so much for your encouraging words!
Kristine says
Question for all you mamas…I’m a first-time mom of a sweet 19-month old daughter, and she’s been sleeping in our bed since outgrowing her co-sleeper bassinet. She’s no longer nursing, and starting to really kick & roll around at night, to the point where I’m barely sleeping anymore. About what age did your children naturally transition to sleeping in their own bed/crib? Did they want to be in a toddler bed at some point, or was it a long process? Any advice welcome!
Carolina says
Hello Kristine,
We put a twin mattress on the floor, next to our bed, when my oldest was around 2. We would put her to sleep there and sometimes she would sleep the entire night and other times just half the night.
We had that set up for about a year and then she asked to be in her own bedroom so we moved the mattress there. It was an easy transition.
If you toddler is kicking you a lot and you’re not sure how to transition her out, I would start by putting a mattress on the floor next to your bed. 🙂
Good luck!
Kristine says
Thanks so much Carolina, that’s very helpful to hear! A mattress on the floor is a nice happy medium when she’s between stages. ☺️
Carolina says
I hope that works for you! 🙂
Ashley says
My daughter is 5 months old and up until recently she was an amazing sleeper. But while I want her to sleep in her crib, I can’t let her CIO. My doctor says oh soon she’ll just go to sleep, I tried it one day and I didn’t last 20 minutes. As soon as I picked her up she just took a sigh of relief. We breastfeed, so sometimes for the sake of sleep she will sleep with me and my husband and nurse till she’s full and sleep in my arms. I must say though, there is just something amazing at how relaxed and the deep sleep I get when holding her. It’s hard on my intimacy with my husband but we both know that these snuggle days will be gone too soon. But any tips on how to get our 3 year old in her room?
Carolina says
What worked for us was putting my daughter’s mattress on the floor next to our bed. She slept on it for a few months until one day she asked to sleep in her own room. Maybe start that way too and then encourage your 3 year old to sleep in his/her room. Once s/he moves to the room, you can get a special toy to sleep with while they get used sleeping in this new arrangement.
Anonymous says
I absolutely love this. Thank you ❤️
Carolina says
You’re welcome mama! 🙂
Megan says
We bedshare with our babies and currently have a six month old, our first daughter, sleeping with us. In the early morning hours I sometimes let her sleep on my chest and just love on her. They are only little once. ❤️
Carolina says
We also bedshare with both of our girls. It is such an amazing thing. ❤️❤️
Dora Barnes says
I’m on the fence about what to do here. My almost 8 week old sleeps in his rock and play, day and night, he does not like to be swaddled. He likes his arms by his face. Sometimes when I’m done feeding him and after play time he will be tired and I can lay him down in his rock and play and he will fall right to sleep Other times I lay him down and he gets chest pain after he eats, and I rub his chest and he’s back to sleep. Sometimes he lays awake looking at his mobile peacefully and then falls asleep. The issue is a lot of times when he is picked up he wakes right up and wont fall back to sleep. Other days after a bottle hee is so sleepy he sleeps in my arms and then I lay him down and he is out cold. My lo is a science experiment when it comes to sleep. He usually only crys when he needs something like a bottle or changed or gas pains. Otherwise picking him up from a tiny lol fuss and waking him up when all is well w him is uuneccessary w my lo. He is smothered with love constantly. I will say if he fusses more than a few mins, i pick him up and let him fall back asleep w me and then put him back down. I dread crib training bc he loves his incline in his rock and play. Hopefully I didn’t offend anyone but as a ftm who is soo in love w being a mommy I agree not to let your baby scream, that is cruel, but I also think a few mins of fussing while tryingg to get settled with my hands all around him till he falls asleep, is not making my child sad. God Bless and thanks for your sweet letter.
Sara says
I attempted the CIO method only once with my girl and I regret it. She cried solidly for an hour and my heart kept breaking.
My mother and husband tell me to do the CIO almost daily and i always refuse. Your letter gives me hope with my girl. Thank you for the encouragement.
Kathie says
I needed to read this. I will be sending it to my partner and my mother. I felt so… wrong? For not wanting to let my babies cry (yes, plural… I have six month old twins!). I’m shamed for jumping up as soon as I hear them fussing… but they’re calling for me. They need momma. So very true. When they’re ready to sleep on their own, they will do so. When they have words.. they will use them. You can probably agree that we blink and our children are up a size in clothing and fill up more space on our chests. Let’s cherish these nights.
Thank you for this!!! Hugs.