Ever since I had my baby it seems that everywhere I go people want to hold her. I get it – people love babies but I’m going to be honest, I have a hard time letting people hold her. When it’s someone I know, I let them hold my baby but inside I’m just waiting for the moment I can grab her again. Before you think I’m crazy for feeling this way, hear me out.
When my baby was a newborn I didn’t what anyone to hold her. Anyone. She was this tiny, fragile human being and I wanted her by my side all the time. My instincts to protect her were very strong, it felt so primal. I’m sure I was also on a hormonal high that made me want to protect her even more.
I was fine with certain people holding her, my really close friends and family but not all the time and it really bothered me that people thought she had to cry before handing her back to me.
When you become a mom you know when your baby is hungry, uncomfortable or scared. You learn to recognize the specific sounds they make, which to most sound like baby babbling but to a mother they mean different things. When I heard my newborn making a distinct “eh” I knew it meant she was hungry, other times I knew she was uncomfortable or needed a diaper change. You develop an instinct that connects you with your baby. Many times when I wanted to take her back people would tell me “but she’s not crying”.
I want to let everyone that a baby crying is the last sign they give you to let you know they’re in distress, uncomfortable or hungry. Most of the time my baby would cry due to hunger. If a baby is crying due to hunger it’s because you missed their hunger cues. In other words, you realized too late the baby was hungry. When I told people to hand her over so I could feed her most of them told me “but she just ate”. Well she is a breastfed baby and breastfed babies nurse A LOT, especially at the beginning. Imagine you had a tiny stomach and was filling it only with liquids. You would be hungry pretty often.
As she got older, around 4 months, I started feeling more comfortable with people holding her to the point where I didn’t have to pretend that I was fine with it because I was really ok with some people holding her. Of course I wanted to be able to see her in case she needed something.
Then came the age where she started having a little separation anxiety, around 7-8 months, and again my instincts kicked in. I would always lean my baby towards the person that wanted to hold her but if she didn’t stretch her arms towards them I’d take it as if she didn’t want to be held by that person. I like to respect my baby’s wishes and since she couldn’t speak this was a great way for me to know what she felt and wanted. However, not all people respect this and I’ve had people just take her away from my arms. Most people that do this are not total strangers but I do not understand what makes someone think they have the right to grab someone else’s baby.
As my baby got older she got better at letting me know if she wanted to be held by someone or not. She was a pretty calm baby so there were times when others were holding her, she wouldn’t be crying but she would have a scared looked in her face. That, again, was not ok for me.
I also started hearing these phrases more and more “take a break” or “enjoy this break” while people would try to grab my baby away from me. To be honest, I don’t need a break. I love being a mom 24/7 and if I do need a break, believe, me I’ll let someone know. I might sound a little possessive but it is my job to protect my daughter. I am the one that takes care of her and if she’s scared or sick I am the one dealing with it, not anyone else.
There comes a time when moms feel more comfortable with others holding their baby, but this comes with time and as the baby grows older. We are our child’s protector, they can’t defend themselves nor speak nor walk on their own. Until she can communicate I will always feel like I have to make sure her wishes as well as my instincts are respected. If there is one thing I’ve learned in this journey is to trust my instincts, even if I don’t understand why I feel them.
Not all moms might feel the same way I do. I’m sure moms that have to work outside home get over this sooner because they have to work and have to learn to trust other people with their babies. Some others probably don’t feel it at all. Who knows! All I know is that I feel this way and I’m a little ashamed to admit it but I can’t help it.
Some moms, like me, struggle with setting boundaries or feel cornered and like they have to let family members be with the baby but if it doesn’t feel right to you, just don’t do it. Find the courage to honor your instincts, even if they don’t make sense to you.
My advice to everyone else is that if you have a friend or family member that just had a baby don’t ask if you can hold her baby. You can smile at the baby and play with the baby while the mom is holding her. Believe me, if the mom wants you to hold the baby she tell you.
Have you ever felt this way? How did you deal with others wanting to hold your baby?
Update #1: I wrote this post after a party where I was really uneasy with everyone holding my baby, yet I let them. Turns out she caught a virus from someone at the party and was sick for 5 days. It might not seem like a lot but even one day with a sick baby with a fever feels like an eternity. This was just a reminder for me that sometimes we don’t know why we feel the way we feel but there is a reason for it, so trust your mama instincts.
Update #2: If you liked this post, you are going to love these 2 new posts: Don’t Leave Me Crying, Mama and Don’t Tell Me To Let My Baby Cry It Out.
An edited version of this post appeared on the Huffington Post.
Savannah says
I can completely relate – perhaps even MORE so because I work outside the home. Since I only get a few hours a day with him, I jealously guard my time with my son. Then again, now that he’s running around, he won’t stay in anyone’s arms for long! Enjoy the cuddles while you can . . .
Carolina says
I didn’t think about it that way but it makes sense. Must be so hard to be away from him. I wouldn’t share him at all! 😉
I also don’t get a lot of cuddles anymore. She likes to explore more than to be held. This world is fascinating for babies. 🙂
Stephanie Tabeling says
I googled whether this feelin was normal and came across your post. You have articulated perfectly how I feel with my daughter. Just had her in March and I am still incredibly attentive to her. It seems like my parents and husbands parents had a different approach-hand the baby off and let them cry. I’m glad to see I am not the only mama who feels this way. Thank you!
jessica | piganddac says
Love it 🙂 I’m not quite as much like this with Isaac as I was with Yadiel, but I know that uneasy feeling you’re talking about. Especially in big groups. Maybe also because Isaac likes to be held by other people and Yadiel didn’t. Either way, I think you’re an awesome mama for considering your baby’s feelings first over people who just want to hold a baby. Cookie is a very blessed little girl!
Carolina says
Thanks Jess!! Your words mean a lot. 🙂
It always amazes me how different your boys are. I bet that will happen to me when we have a second baby.
Bears says
I found this article because I’m definitely feeling very possesive of my nicu boy and even with my mom I’m having a hard time sharing him even though he needs kangaroo time and i can’t always do it because i have health issues.
Its shocking how many narcissistic people are out there that feel like they have ANY RIGHT WHATSOEVER to other peoples babies! NOBODY but the mother and father have any right to place boundaries and decide how their child should be cared for (within reason). Not grandma, not siblings… DEFINITELY not in laws. If you think you have the right and you’re not the parent you need to get diagnosed for Narcissistic personality disorder…
Anonymous says
I find the opposite,I’m surrounded by young Mums & their babies & everywhere I go they all assume I want to hold their babies, It’s mad, I don’t want to offend them, but I don’t have an urge to hold everyone elses baby, how do you say no thanks politely without causing offence?
Carolina says
Ummm! I guess they must really trust you. I would just hold the baby for a bit and then hand it back but if it makes you uncomfortable I would say you’re nervous to hold a newborn because they are so fragile. 🙂
Cher says
I totally agree with you, 100%! I work outside the home. My baby is 5 months and people are constantly wanting to hold her. I have to hold on to her at church because she will get snatched up right away. For some reason, people feel totally comfortable just walking away with her (in the past when I made the mistake of letting her be held). As a matter of fact, when I was in the hospital, someone came to visit and took her right out of my arms while I was trying to nurse her – and didn’t even give her back. As soon as she started crying, they put her in the bassinet – I was in shock. How rude! If I had some backbone then I would have said WTHeck are you doing? I’m not going to let someone walk off with my baby and put her through things that scare her or make her uncomfortable anymore. As a mom I have grown a backbone and don’t give a care if I offend people -they obviously haven’t considered restraining their unquenchable desire to take my baby from me, or complain that they never get to hold her. GET OVER IT ALREADY. I’m really so sick of it. I also feel that I don’t need a break from her. I take a break at night when I sleep. I visit her on my break at work. I don’t know what is the obsession with holding people’s babies. It is mostly motivated by selfishness, I think. Ok, I’m getting heated, so I’ll end here. But great post!
Carolina says
That’s exactly how I feel and I think one of the reasons I love to babywear…once a baby is in a carrier no one asks you to take it out.
My daughter is almost 2 now so I feel a little more comfortable with people holding her, mainly because she can express herself and will push people away when she doesn’t want them near. Makes it so much easier.
It’s so great that you have a mommy backbone now. I feel when I just had my baby I seriously lacked it…but not anymore. I’m sure when we have our second baby we’ll be like “put the baby down and step away” **mean face**. Lol!
Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
Rachel says
I couldnt love this post more… I dont care how rude or out of touch with reality i sound… I hate anyone touching or holding my 5 month old…
In addition people have disgusting habits of patting babies on their bottoms… So annoying… I want to punch them all… Its my child… I dont want ur slimy paws all over my baby…
Carolina says
Oh yes! I totally understand where you’re coming from. Here’s to hoping more people will understand!
Anonymous says
I must agree I have had the same experience at church. There are a lot of young women at my church and they all want to hold/snuggle my baby. I’ve learned as soon as you let someone hold him once they expect to hold the baby every time they see the baby, and or they hand the baby off to their friend in a crowd, this is extremely annoying and unrealistic. This has happened since he was born and he is 4 months now and it is still happening. At one point I didn’t want to go to church because of this, I couldn’t relax. They have some baby addiction. I went to a church gathering within a 2 hour span I had 5 people ask to hold my baby. One person I didn’t know at all. 2 folks which barely speak to me, but as soon as they saw the baby they don’t even talk to me they just ask to hold him. I said no to all these people for many different reasons. People should never ask to hold a baby. if say anything it should be something like “If you need someone to hold the baby I am available.” This puts no pressure on the mom to people please and it is nice to know there is help if needed.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind letting folks hold my baby and have let many people hold the baby when meeting him for the first time. It’s just I can’t say yes to everyone all the time it’s crazy. I don’t want to have to keep an eye on someone holding my baby in addition to my baby all the time, this isn’t helping me out at all. If you want to help, hold the door open, let my baby sleep or pass me my bag and get me a coffee.
Carolina says
I know what you mean. It does get annoying and if a mom really wants help with someone holding the baby she will ask. Have you tried babywearing at church? That helped me a lot because once the baby is in a carrier no one really asks you to take him/her out.
Anonymous says
Havn’t done the baby wearing, I find it difficult since he out grew his carrier quickly, he is long and I think it would be difficult to sit in church with a carrier on and then have to pull him out to bottle feed and burp him. He does spend time in his car seat sleeping many Sundays though. I’ll probably start packing him up more quickly in his car seat after service to keep folks from asking.
Carolina says
There are carriers for bigger babies, Tula, Kinderpack & Lenny Lamb are some brands that offer toddler sized carriers. However, I do agree that sitting in church while you have a bigger baby in a carrier is a bad idea.
Anonymous says
I’m going through this also my son is four months and people come over lift him out of his pram in church, walk away with him.ive got to the stage I leave the baby at home now with his father.. I would still like to to take him with me..I havnt the courage yet to say no you can’t have him.. I don’t need a break and I honestly don’t trust many people but I can leave him with the ones I trust,my mum his father Nd my sister’s so I think I’m doing good.. I wish people would leave me alone, if they want to help out why not leave a lot of soup at door or offer to go to the shop.. I understand we are all different xx I am annoyed at myself for feeling this way xx
Lisa says
Exactly how i feel. I don’t let many people hold my son (8 months now) because he doesn’t like it. But a few times I have let family hold him but I feel so bad afterwards. Full of guilt since he he did not wanted to 🙁 I will just say no from now on. I must respect him but because no one else does. Just feel so bad for letting him be held by someone else when he looks at me with distress:( Even If it was just a minute. I feel so bad I want to cry 🙁
meg bennett says
I googled “don’t want anyone else to hold my baby,” and your lovely blog popped up. My daughter just had her first child and she is overwhelmed by the friendly but grabby hands that want to hold her newborn. As an old mama (now grandmama!), I completely support a mama’s right to say “no” for her little one. You are the mom: you get to decide when (and if) someone else holds your baby. And, most important, you get to ignore the sillyheads who think they know your and your child’s business. Keep being the mama you are! 🙂 Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom!
Carolina says
Your daughter is so lucky to have such a great and understand mom! My daughter is now 2 and it is different now because she can speak for herself but those months when she was a baby it bothered me so much when everyone wanted to hold her. I wish people were more understanding and not try to grab your babies all the time. After all, a mommy carried this baby for 9 months. 🙂
Raymond says
I did the same and I am father. Tonight this person kept on trying to hold our daughter she refused and moved away. They enjoyed her reaction and repeatedly kept doing it. My wife and I were stunned..this person is my brother in law and to make matters worse the kids joined in. We had to finally just walk her away from everyone but I’ve decided to have a chat with him tomorrow and give. My niece and nephew some guidelines.
I don’t ever want to be put in that position again.
Thanks for your lovely post!
abby95 says
Thought i was the only mum like this! Breastfeed my daughter and she fed little but very often. Everyone felt because they were parents themselves that they knew what to do with her when she was crying.. No im her mum and unless you’re lactating go away. I thought my feelings and hormones were so strong to protect my baby were i would not let anyone hold her when she was first born. I even went to the doctors because i got told i was possesive. But I’ve had her in my belly for 9 and a half months, looked after her kept her safe and nurtured her and i wont give up doing that as best i can until im not here anymore! I was the one that told people to back off in the end!
Carolina says
Kuddos to you mama for standing up for your baby! This post has made me realize that A LOT of mamas feel this way and it’s human nature – completely normal, there is nothing wrong with it. I know for all my future babies I’ll be more vocal about it and just tell people “no”. It is OK to look at the baby and not have to hold her/him and people should respect your wishes.
I’m sorry you even had to go to the doctor for being possessive. That’s just crazy. I’m glad you followed your feelings and didn’t let people get to you.
Anonymous says
Good job noticing this. Crying babies mostly just want to eat. If your breastfeeding really the only person that can hold the baby to stop this crying is the mom. No one can help with that.
Carolina says
Exactly! And as a mom to learn to read the baby’s cues to know when they are hungry BEFORE they’re crying… I think some people don’t get that.
Anonymous says
I completely understand, everyone thought I was being crazy but I don’t care, they obviously don’t understand. My reasoning is exactly what you wrote too, especially the hunger noises.
Carolina says
Yes, moms have special ears for their babies! I’m glad you did what you knew was best for your baby.
Diana says
What always gets me are the parents that assume that I want to hold their baby. I don’t. Many children don’t like to be held by strangers- don’t parents get this? Also, many people don’t want to hold your baby for various reasons. They just aren’t as into it as you are.
Carolina says
I’ve never offered anyone to hold my baby…but that’s because I didn’t want to. I guess not all parents feel the same way I did or some offer to hold their babies because they’re trying to be nice. Next time you can always say something like “I’m scared to make the baby cry, I’ll just wave hi”. 🙂
Marisa says
There’s a man at church that loves to hold my 4 month old. I don’t mind at all because he’s polite to me and soothing to my son. There’s a woman in the same room who is the exact opposite. She’s grabby and makes him cry, then usually stares at me while I nurse him and asks inane questions. It’s a tiny building, so avoiding her is not an option. What now? Is there any tactful way around this situation to allow one person to hold him and deny another??
Carolina says
Maybe you can tell her while smiling that your baby is being picky today and doesn’t want to be held by everyone…?
BewareIBite:) says
I feel sympathy for every one of you that feels uncomfortable when someone else is holding their baby. My daughter is just over a year old and while helping me to select a pair of prescription glasses the salesman asked if he could hold her. I was so surprised by the request of a total stranger asking me this. I don’t know if he just wanted to help out so that I could try on some frames or if he just loves kids. I maybe tried on one pair and just felt my gut just telling me that I needed to get her back in my arms. Then I said that we would be back later and held or my arms for her. The salesman kissed her on the cheek. Maybe this is not a huge deal for some, but I had never met this man, and he just kissed her. I felt this pang of disappointment in myself for trying to please others because I have also been told I am too overprotective. When I for to the car I immediately wiped her down as best as I could and apologized to her. Called my husband upset and in shock. I tried to just brush it off as “oh some people just don’t have boundaries” and “logically she’s probably perfectly fine”, but I couldn’t sleep. I was still up at 2 in the morning trying to tell myself that I was just caught off guard, trying figure out how I could have said no and why I didn’t say no. Having someone hold her did free up my hands. So how to say no? Beat myself up for not thinking quick enough. The next day I gave myself a pep talk that it’s ok to tell people not to touch her, that either she’s been sick or not been feeling well or some other excuse. Following my advice, I told a sales clerk at a hardware store, “Oh don’t do that. Don’t touch her. She’s been sick.” Continued paying at the self checkout. I looked over my shoulder to see the woman still trying to get her hands on my 1 year old daughter. I repeated myself to the sales clerk while pushing her hand off my daughter, turned back around to finish my transaction when I hear the woman say “Aww, are you sick? You’re just smiling away.” I told my little girl “Say Bye Bye. We gotta go. Bye bye.” I walked away with the woman still trying to talk to her. It’s extremelu stressful when something like that happens and you feel the need to dress your baby in clothing that reads “Please do not touch me and I won’t touch you.” “I am not a pet, so please don’t pet.” Or just a straight up, “Beware. I bite.” shirt. I know everyone seems to have an opinion about if what you do as a mother is overbearing or whatever. I will say that as a mother of my first child I do hope the anxiety and guilt that we put on ourselves is too much sometimes. However, that feeling. ..that pang….whatever yours may be, don’t let the guilt consume you. You can watch over your little one like a hawk and still not be fast enough to intervene when certain family members think that it’s perfectly acceptable and harmless to put their fingers in your child’s mouth to “soothe” your newborn or let your little girl lick the icing of her 1st birthday cake off of your their fingers because they’ve had their own children and don’t feel compelled to ask how yout want anything done when it comes to grandchildren. I agree that so many people take liberty in the fact that regardless of mom’s wishes, if someone has good intentions and thinks that it’ll be ok to just try a little bit of this sweet candy, etc…anything. …anything that you have expressly laid out that you absolutely do not want as part of your child’s care, that as long as it was how they raised their kids or they feel as your husband’s mother, that she thinks she knows best. Sorry I may have gotten off track or rambled but the best caregivers besides my husband are my stepmother-in-law and my father-in-law. When I or my husband tell them how we want her cared for or ask them not to do something, they just say ok. No attempts to try to justify what they think is best, no questions asked.
I’m so glad I found other parents that feel the same way. Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts help so much!
Carolina says
I’ve been in your shoes before and always wonder if I approached things the best way. I think as they become older it becomes easier because you have an easier time showing people boundaries and because they can talk. My daughter now just says “no” or looks away when someone she doesn’t know is trying to talk to her or touch her.
One good point that you make is that no matter what we should not feel guilty, we are learning as we go and not all parents think alike so they don’t expect you to react/do things a certain way. I, for one, have learned to be very respectful of other parent’s wishes because that’s I would like in return. Hopefully more and more people will realize that what’s ok for one, might not be ok for another.
Loving Mama says
So so soooooo glad to find this blog!!! I’ve been feeling so anxious about this very topic since my son was born. We’ve been living with my parents while we found and bought our house, so I feel like I’ve been sharing him his whole life. When I go to an event with tons of people, I feel like I can’t enjoy it because everyone wants talk/touch/or hold my baby! Who thinks its ok to touch someone else’s baby’s hands?!? Just recently I had someone pass him off to someone I wasn’t comfortable holding him while I quickly went to the bathroom! What?!?! I am constantly flabbergasted at people’s baby etiquette! But I am reminded by this blog and the comments that as mama, I’m the one who sets the precedent for how people interact with my son. I don’t think lying is necessary, as far as “he just needs to eat”, but saying no can feel hard. I think it really comes down to valuing what I feel is best for my son and our family over what other people think or feel. Thank you so much for this blog! I feel incredibly validated and I’m hoping I can keep working on speaking my mind so I can cuddle my baby as much as I want! 🙂
Carolina says
I’m so happy you found this post useful. As you can see from the comments, there are many of us that have felt this way and although it can be uncomfortable to say “no”, your baby comes first and you know what’s best for him/her. I have found that baby wearing stops people from wanting to hold your baby so that’s what I do now when I go out with our newest munchkin. 🙂
mclarkeson says
Thank you Carolina and to all the others that have echoed this sentiment. I am fuming a little over my brother in-law and his behavior with my two month old. My brother in-law is young (21) but I do not think thats an excuse, he is the only person that has no sense of boundaries. Even since she was born, two weeks in, he was always asking to hold her. Like it was his turn. I tried to make it clear to my new extended family that it is not a ‘right’ to hold my child, she is very young and ill give her to you if i feel it. Please do not ask me to hold her. This went in one ear and out the other with my young brother in law. And he never seemed to care or remember to not kiss her face or hands. He never stops touching her. And now my baby is almost three months, when he comes over its like the Shane and baby show. Constant constant touching, stimulation, insane pet names, cooing non-stop, … my blood was boiling. Everyone else in my life, is gentle and respectful and if they hold her are normal and calm and do not make over exaggerated intimate cooing with her. They on some level read my energy and keep to the decorum that you do with a child that is not your own.
i now dread when he comes over and frankly a large part of it is how he is with my baby doesn’t feel right. And i a have been reeling with this anger and disappointment in myself for days for trying to please my new family. But he just isn’t doing it right… i did share some tempered feelings with my mother in law and I’m afraid most of my emotions are being cashed in to “Maggie is sensitive”. That may be true. But in this case, something is off about my brother in law and Im sensing it and i do not want my baby held in his energy.
Any advice in how to change the dynamic here? should i talk to my mother in law again on how best to address Shane’s behavior?
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one feeling guilty for not speaking up.
Carolina says
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I am so protective of my babies, even more so when they’re little that this would have me fuming too. I wonder if you mother-in-law has talked to him about it? Maybe talking to her might not be the best solution. Have you tried having your husband talk to him directly and explain to him that it’s not ok?
What I found that worked for me was baby wearing. Every time I went somewhere or someone came over that I knew would want to hold my baby I would put her in the carrier and not take her out. I would say she’s nursing or she’s about to fall asleep and she’s due for a nap, which was true most of the time but I also kept her in here while she was wide awake. People usually don’t try to hold your baby when you’re using a carrier.
I hope you’re able to find a solution. I know I hate confrontation but if all else fails you’ll have to put your foot down with him. He might get mad but he’ll get over it. Eventually you will feel better about your baby being held by others but if it doesn’t feel right, follow your gut. As a mom we have to learn to stand up for our little ones and how we feel, even if we can’t always explain why we feel the way we feel. Much love mama. Hope your wishes are respected!
Lane says
I feel like i just read my own story. I don’t want ANYONE holding my baby and it stresses me out big time. Added to that, she doesn’t like being held by anyone else, and cries the whole time! I hate when people grab her from me and insist that i go nap. I don’t want to nap without her and I can’t. People treat me like im being too protective but that is my job as her mom! I’m relieved to know this is a normal way to feel.
Carolina says
Hi Lane! I know all too well those feelings. My best advice is to do your best to ignore those comments or just say that you’ll let them know if you need a break. You’re the mama, you know what’s best and what you and your baby need. ❤️
Haley says
That is completely how I felt/feel! I’ve had my inlaws take my crying baby out of my hands. I don’t think they realize how defeating that is to a new mother. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Carolina says
Oh I am so sorry this happened to you. It is so hard when you’re new and figuring things out but even with my second baby I felt this way. I think it’s a normal motherly instinct.
sabrina roberts leroy says
I was never like this with both sets of twins I had. I think that this is very over protective and that’s why these children now a days are not self reliant. My sister had a baby 4 months ago and won’t let me or our mom hold her….it’s sick!!!! I never heard of this…..there is a difference between spotting danger vs over protecting. These are the type of parents that become “helicopter parents” and that’s definitely not good!!!!
Carolina says
Actually that’s not true and before making at statement like this, at the very least, you should check out current studies on this.
I wrote this when I had my first and she’s almost 4 year old now and far more independent than her friends and classmates.
Helicopter parenting is something else. Feeling like you want your baby close, especially when it’s your first one, it’s totally normal. Just as it’s normal for some not to feel this way.
I hope you respect your sisters wishes. ❤️
Bears says
Wow. This is a very entitled post…if anyone reading this thinks the same way… get educated or get refused visitation. What incredible disrespect to the mother!
Hannah Fink says
Thank you so much for your honesty. This sums up exactly how I feel and actual situations I go through right now as a new mom. I thought I was the only mom who feels as strongly as I do, and has had moments where I ignored my instincts. I now regret those moments so much but I am definitely more confident in myself after reading this.
Reb14 says
This post is exactly what I needed! My baby isn’t here yet, but we already know that she’s going to be a sick baby so I’ve been even more stressed about all of this. Luckily I know my immediate family will be fine, although not too sure about my in-laws. They already call my bump ‘our bump’ (nope, at the most ‘ours’ means my husband & I, but if you’re not carrying her and not dealing with all her healthcare stuff etc, you have no claim to her), but it’s been nice to see I’m not being totally crazy…
Carolina says
Oh no mama! It’s not fun to have a sick baby and have to worry about others holding her too. I suggest you baby wear when you go out to avoid others holding your baby. I wish you all the best. ❤️
Summer says
I was extra careful for the first 6 weeks, but after that, I relaxed a bit because I’d known too many people who were so protective and didn’t want others to hold their baby or help them out, that the children grew up not wanting to be touched by people other than their parents. But this is how some parents prefer it and that’s their choice. They’re the parents. Here is just a little something from the OTHER side of things. I go to church with a couple who will not let anyone even TOUCH their 5 month old. The mom carries her around and faces her out so everyone can look at her, but if you touch her she’ll ask you not to. I understand you don’t want the child to get sick. Sick children are not easy. But there are lots of germs floating around in the air too. Anyway, the thing is, because she won’t let anyone touch the baby, I have completely lost interest in the child. It’s natural for many people to want to play with small children. It brings happiness to both the person playing with the baby and to the baby themselves. But when you’re expected to keep your distance and only comment on how cute she is, well, honestly some people just lose interest. I’m not saying she’s wrong for doing it. She’s the mom and she has to make those decisions. But she may start feeling a bit confused later when the child gets bigger and no one shows interest in the child. By then people will just be used to leaving her alone. That’s what I’m concerned about. Even when my 6 year old just went up to say hi to the baby, the mom lifted her higher and told him “don’t touch”. No explanation as to why. So he has no idea why he’s not allowed to go say hi and be friendly in the way he is used to doing. From what I can see, the baby isn’t sick and she doesn’t have any skin disorders. It was explained to me that because SOME people aren’t as clean as they’d like them to be, they have just decided to keep everyone away. Again , their choice, but I have no interest in their baby now and that makes me sad since I enjoy children.
Carolina says
I can’t speak for this mom but I think most moms will feel this way when their kids are babies and as time goes by they will be fine letting others hold their child. I felt the same way this mom you’re talking about did but eventually I got to the point where I was fine with others holding my baby, especially with people I knew.
I reached that point even faster with my second baby because she was a different baby and more easy going and friendly.
Honestly, I don’t think people will lose interest in the kid because of this and if they do, well maybe it was how things were meant to be. My first was always with me and eventually she blossomed into this bubbly kid that everyone wants to talk to, so what happens when they are babies does not define how their relationships will be.
All we can do is respect the mom’s wishes. We may not understand her reasoning but she feels that way, and we have to respect that.
I am sorry you feel like you can’t be part of this baby’s life. Hopefully things will change in the future. 🙂
Anonymous says
I feel the same way! It’s with my in-laws who act obsessed with my baby. She is only 9 weeks and every time they come around, they take her from me; even if it’s for hours! The only time they think they should give her back is if she cries because she is hungry and needs me to nurse her. As soon as I am done feeding her, they will come and take her from me. This drives me insane to the point where I resent them and my husband because they are his parents and he always wants to invite them over. I have to return to work in a few weeks and don’t want to share her. Especially with them. When I tell my husband it bothers me they always hold her, he says to tell them I want to hold her because it’s my baby, but it’s not that easy to say that because they look at me like I’m crazy for “hogging” my baby and just hover if I am holding her for a couple of minutes.
Carolina says
Have you tried babywearing when they come? That always worked for me and I just kept my baby in the carrier the entire time. 🙂
I would talk to your husband and tell him you’re not comfortable saying that. Maybe he can speak up for you and maybe you can invite them a little less for now…
If none of that works, you should tell them how you feel. I know it’s hard but they should understand you’re going back to work and that’s hard on you.
Hugs mama! I hope your feeling get respected.
New Mama 2016 says
Thank you for this blog post. I read through every single comment after the article too. I feel like you and so does my husband actually. We both find the baby etiquette in our culture to be so bizarre and it is something that has caught both of us off guard as first time parents. Adding to the stress, we aren’t that close with our family’s and find their pressure very overwhelming. It has caused me so much stress and anxiety since my son was born. I’m this innate people pleaser but then just have this horrible crushing anxiety for not standing up for my son better. We have lots of loving people in our son’s life and look forward to him having them in his life and everyone getting to watch him grow but this whole pass the baby mentality and everyone treating new parents like it’s their right to hold your child is so awful. I wish people could understand the horrible crushing feeling it causes. I honestly don’t even know how to type how I feel. It’s just been 9 months of this stress of people not getting it. Our son is a sweet natured and happy little guy who is doing wonderfully but has just never been the kind of kid who likes to be passed off and it breaks my heart to think of all the times he has cried because people are pushy, I feel this horrible pressing guilt/pressure, and I am worried people will think I’m crazy.. so they take him and he cries. Yes, people hold our son but why do I have to feel like I can’t be his mother when we go to family functions or my MIL stops by. It’s crazy. I don’t want a break. Why can’t you visit with me like I’m still an interesting person and acknowledge my baby with boundaries. It is an awful awful awful feeling to feel like your rights as a mother are being infringed on in any way. Yet, our current culture is doing it ALL the time to new parents. I just wish I could have the thick skin and backbone many of you seem to have. My husband does too and says I just break his heart with my sadness and anxiety and insecurity about all of this. It’s honestly made me question my skills as a mother for feeling this way and he tells me all the time what a wonderful mother I am and how sad he feels for me that I feel this pressure and judgment as a new mom. Anyways, I think I explained this poorly. But thank you for this post and everyone else for your comments. It makes me feel more understood and less alone.
Carolina says
Hi mama! I can completely relate how you feel. That was me with my first kid. It was hard for me to voice my concerns and say what I felt without feeling crazy. Now that I have 2 is different because now I just don’t care about others and just voice my opinions. But it was a long process for me to get to this point, so don’t be hard on yourself. You are not a bad mother at all and these feelings are normal. What is wrong is people not understanding or respecting them.
When I had my first I didn’t feel comfortable telling people not to hold her or not to pass her around so I ended up babywearing her A LOT. Basically any time we went somewhere where she would want to be held I would put her in a carrier. Most people won’t ask and if they do you can say you’re about to feed the baby.
Please don’t think you’re a bad mother for feeling this way. You are a good mother, one that cares for her child. And as you can see from the comments, you are not alone.
We have a Facebook group for like-minded mamas so feel free to join if you need the extra support, just search “Mama instincts tribe”.
Hugs mama! I hope things gets better soon.
xeliah says
Hi Carolina!
Congrats for your blog, I am not a mama but I really like your blog and style, plus you have my sister’s name 😀
A tech question: I landed to this article cause I find on Pinterest your article on affilate sales, one thing that I’m trying to implement on my blog.
First of all, thanks for your suggetsions, the one to link words to the product is really working to have items clicked, yeahhhh!
Second, I saw your Amazon Non-toxic baby toys product grid on this page, but how did you create this? From Amazon or are you using a custom tool/plugin? I can’t seem to understand how to achieve your result, that I really like and woutl like to put on my blog too.
Thanks,
Natascia
Carolina says
Hi! Send me an email to hello (at) mamainstincts (dot) com and I’ll answer your questions. 🙂
Chelsea says
I absolutely agree! I have such a difficult time letting others hold my son and he is almost 18 months! I feel it’s just this strong maternal urge to protect our children!
Carolina says
Yes! And a totally normal one. 🙂
Anonymous says
I have been upset about what occurred to me and interested in reading different viewpoints.
During a small family holiday gathering I hosted, I offered to help my (husband’s) niece by holding her second son, a 9 month old. She had just settled in after a 5 hour drive with her husband, two young sons and a dog. I was disappointed when I was rejected but then made a point to observe her and my sister-in-law’s behavior over their two day visit. It occurred to me no one has ever held the boys (9mos & 3 yrs old) expect my niece and my sister-in-law.
I have 3 grown children and know my baby etiquette. I have made mistakes of course and so have family members, friends, etc. I feel everyone is entitled to their views but believe healthy boundaries can be set to allow close family members to bond with a child. For example, the Great-Grandmother (88 yrs old) of our family was in attendance but she was never offered to hold her second great grandchild — something she was looking forward to. In fact, we realized she had never held her first great grandchild since he was born three years ago. Looking back, I recall in every situation, my sister-in-law had her arms wrapped around one of two children so tight, they appeared to be held against their free will.
I can sympathize with the moms here but I also think it can reach a point where its unhealthy.
I managed through my situation with humor: They impose us with their pet with an expectation we will open our home to it and treat it like our own … but we can’t touch their children. Both are incredibly distasteful, offensive and I am saddened that those two children will never know the love of one branch of the family that they are entitled to.
Thanks for providing this platform, although the opinions appear to be on one extreme. While there is no doubt a mother’s role, I hope everyone will strive to build a healthy framework for ‘our’ next generation.
Carolina says
Thanks for leaving your comment! I have to say that although I wrote this post and feel very strongly about this when my kids are babies, now that they’re older it’s different. Actually my youngest will drop anything at the sight of my dad and she will chose him over me.
I do think it’s important that once the kids are older and mama feels ready, that they experience the love from other family members or friends. It is odd the 3 year old has not been held by anyone else by now. Maybe there are some other issues going on here…
I hope things work out in your family and those kids can experience the love from everyone.
Caitlin says
This was such a good read and I read every single comment.
All you Mum’s are going to think I’m crazy because I feel exactly the same as all of you and I I haven’t even got a child… Not one! I’m not even pregnant. Me and my partner would really like one but we need to move out of our tiny flat before even trying.
I’m not too worried about letting family members hold my baby, it’s just my mother in-law… she’s baby obsessed! And our child will be her first grandchild, and me and my partner are already DREADING IT. The mother In law currently has a 9 month old niece, and she’s SO obsessed with her and will grab her out of the babies mothers hands whenever she can. I’ve spoken to the mum and I know that she also hates this, and I only ever hold baby if mum asks me too.
So if she’s already like this with her niece what on earth is she going to be like with her first grandchild.
I could rant on forever about this woman but I won’t bore you all.
God thinking about it makes me angry. I plan to babywear whenever I’m going to be around her.
She even wants to be at the birth and be the first to dress the child…. I THINK NOT
Carolina says
Oh boy! I hope once you have your baby she will understand those boundaries…if not your partner might have to say something. It might make her mad but eventually she’ll have to get over it but to be safe I would definitively get a baby carrier.
Wish you all the best future mama!
Ester says
I am so glad to have found this article! I am about to visit back home with my 3 1/2 month old twins. I have been stressing myself almost sick about how i’m going to handle my sister’s kids – she has a 12 year old boy and an 8 year old girl. Both of her kids are extremely rude, distrustful, sneaky, manipulative misbehaved kids with NO respect for anyone. She of course, think they can do no wrong. She’s been going on and on about how “excited” they are to hold the babies and how there’s “one for each of them”. When they came to visit at the hospital when they were born, both my niece and nephew were sullen and mad that they couldn’t hold my babies – at least at that time I could say that since they were preemie their immune systems weren’t strong enough for lots of people to hold them. Now, I’m going to be home for 2 weeks. They are going to assume they can hold my little babies, and I’m sure my sister has been telling them they can. I have no idea how I’m going to handle telling her that they STILL can’t hold my babies. I’m worried that they’ll try to “do” something to the girls – like poke at the soft spot on their head because they know they’re not supposed to, or something like that. Both my husband and I are in agreement – we do NOT trust either one of those kids holding our girls. Unfortunately, my husband isn’t coming with me for the visit. I can’t talk to my sister honestly, because she has coddled and given in to her children’s every whim their whole lives, and gets really upset when other people say ANYTHING about her kids behaviours – we have never been allowed to say anything to them, even when they have been at their worst behaviour. These girls are my whole world, and I can’t just babywear the whole visit because I have 2 babies! And also they will probably come for a whole day. I am sick about how to handle the situation, other than that I don’t want those kids holding them. I want to stick to my guns (and respect my husbands wishes as well) but I dont want to hurt her feelings, or have the whole day be awkward because I handled the situation wrongly. Do you have any suggestions for me? This is the first time since the hospital that we’re visiting. I am just so stressed out!!
Carolina says
Oh no mama! That is so stressful. I think the easiest thing to do is sent an email telling your sister her kids can’t hold your babies so they know what to expect and get over it before you get there.
You can always say that because they were premies your doctor advised not to let them be close to other kids because kids usually carry germs from school…and you rather follow his directions since sick babies are though to deal with.
The most important thing for you to remember is that they are your babies and no one should make you do anything you’re not comfortable doing. If they don’t understand, just be firm. There will always be a time for everything and right now it’s not the time to hold the babies.
Good luck mama! Let me know how your visit goes. 🙂
AJ says
I don’t let people hold my baby if I am not comfortable with it. Period. I don’t care about anyone elses opinion on it and I am a very outspoken person. I read a comment that disturbed me here and want to say it is your right as the mother of the baby to decide when and who can hold your baby. If they don’t like it, too bad, I don’t care. We are all different and people need to learn to respect other people’s boundaries..weather you agree with them or not. It’s very disrespectful to call someone too sensitive, protective or crazy over this. So to all the moms out there who are feeling this way it is completely ok and never let anyone make you feel guilty. Babies are little humans, we don’t treat anyone else this way. If they are that desperate for a babies attention then go volunteer at a hospital, adoption agency or orphanage and keep your hands off my child unless I’ve given permission. I think it’s rude for complete strangers to try touching or getting in my childs face but I have more understanding for respectful family members. Sending love and strength to you all. If it doesn’t feel right then stand your ground.
Carolina says
Thanks for your awesome and empowering comment. I know many moms will love it!
Rachael says
I so relate to this post! Thank you for writing it! I found it after googling “relatives hold baby for too long” as I had just gotten back from being with a family member who ALWAYS holds my little girl (10 months) well past her cues that she’s hungry or needs mama. I hate it because I practice gentle/attachment parenting and I can see in my little one’s face she’s upset and confused as to why I’m not responding to her. Every time this family member visits she insists on holding my daughter for most of the visit (which can be a few hours) and she ignores my hints or directly telling her “she’s hungry or she needs a nap or she needs changing” when I see that my daughter is getting upset. She doesn’t give her back until I actually grab her from her arms and she’s been crying for a few minutes. ? I hate confrontation so I hold off grabbing her as long as I can and then later feel so angry that this person keeps doing this. She’s sort of the old school, a little crying never hurt anyone type. I know she doesn’t think she’s doing any harm and I should probably just be more direct. I’m working on it. But none the less, it makes me dread her visits. Anyway, I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this. I thought I was just crazy possessive at first but reading this has made me realize I’m just a mama with intuition fine tuned to care for my little’s needs. ? Oh and also, agree with you that baby wearing works a charm for this problem. Today I wore her when meeting with this person and she held her way less than previous visits! ???
Carolina says
Oh I’m so happy babywearing worked for you! There is seriously nothing more frustrating than seeing your baby uncomfortable and the other person handing them back. I don’t understand why people do this…but if babywearing worked I would stick to that when you see this person. You can always says it helps with naps or that the baby is teething. 🙂
Sheetal says
I totally totally agree and understand. I feel exactly the same towards my little boy. I don’t think I’m being possessive and even if I am it’s OK, he’s my baby and it’s my job to protect him and no I don’t need a break from it. I really don’t like sharing him others except daddy. My son is 8 months old now and happily leans towards whoever he wants to be held by. So I don’t know why people think it’s OK to forcefully hold him when he clearly shows signs of not wanting to be held. I feel so heartbroken everytime MIL takes him from me when he wants to stay with me. I really hate it when people only tend to give bub back to mumma when baby starts crying and gets really upset.
I really don’t like sharing my little darling and dislike having him out of my sight for longer than few minutes.
I have to start work at some point, I just don’t understand how I will manage ???
Carolina says
Oh mama I totally get what you’re saying. It bothers me so much when people think baby has to cry before they hand him back. 🙁
When are you going back to work? It’s going to be hard on you at first but kids usually do much better, if that’s any comfort. I hope you get to stay at home for a few more months so it’s easier on the both of you.
Hannah says
You said so well what I have always thought and felt! With both of my babies, I didn’t want others to hold them all the time, they were my babies! Especially since we live far from family, any time we do see family, they immediate go to grab the baby from my arms and then go off to the next room or something. They say, “oh, you must need a break” or some other similar line. When in reality, that’s not true. The times I really need a break are when I’m trying to fix dinner and can’t because the baby wants to be held! I love my babies and holding them and my babies love me! If they want to be held by family, that’s fine, but don’t take my baby from my arms and call it giving me a break or don’t grab my baby from me as soon as you walk in the door [or we walk in their door], give the baby a chance to warm up and want to go to see family! My husband always tells me I’m crazy to feel that way, but I can’t help it, I just feel that way – it’s so nice to know I’m not alone any more. I thought I was the only one who felt this way, now I know I’m not and it does wonders for my soul. Thank you! It’s just a difficult position to be in when my in-laws want to hold the baby all the time and I don’t want to tell them no, but I also don’t want them too and I don’t want to offend them. If they take the baby from me, I still stick around because it’s my baby after all! They usually go into the other room with the baby because if the baby sees me, he wants me and they don’t want me to have my own baby! The younger baby has been sick a lot and is very attached to me, which is actually kind of nice for when we visit with family – haha – because he refuses to let anyone else hold him – I secretly love it. haha. When they boys get older it’s not as big of a deal, but when they are babies… let me hold them, I feel like I’m not allowed to hold them or am shunned if I hold them when we’re visiting with family. It should not be that way! I like when we go places, like the farm or the zoo or something so I can wear the baby and not have to worry about anyone trying to grab him, but if we’re just around the house, it doesn’t work. Anyhow, it’s always a constant inner battle when we go visit family, and obviously something I feel extremely passionate about. It’s just nice to know I’m not alone in those feelings.
Carolina says
Oh mama that’s exactly how I felt, and how many many other women feel. I think it’s completely normal, but people forget they felt once this way. What happens with your in-laws in annoying…if you can’t babywear around them I’m not sure how you can stop them without just telling them a flat out no but it sounds like your youngest is doing a good job at letting people know he only wants mama. 🙂
I wish people would understand that both mama and baby do better when they can be together.
Anonymous says
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way! I didn’t think I would feel like this when I was pregnant and was even talking about letting grandparents babysit my son throughout the week while I worked. Now I’m a stay at home mom and I am soooo glad! When my son was born, I never got the chance to hold him right after because they had to whisk him away to the NICU as his cord was wrapped around his neck and he wasn’t breathing. He then spent 11 days there and it tore me up having to be on the hospital schedule with him. I couldn’t hold him while he was under the light for his bilirubin levels. Couldn’t feed him sooner than their three hour scheduling unless a nurse was available, no matter how hard he was crying. So now that I have him at home, I sometimes feel as if I’m overprotective, but I’m his mom and I know what’s best for him. My mom is super overbearing, so when she holds him, he’s always fussy like he knows she’s trying too hard. My dad will hold him and just relax and my son will either go right to sleep with him or interact with him like normal. My mom also has this obsession with changing his diaper. She got to my house last week and the instant she got him, took him right to his room and changed him. Even though I had done so just 15 minutes before. And she always tries to tell people what he likes and doesn’t like or what he does, when she only sees him maybe once a week for a few hours. Drives me crazy how she tries to be his mom almost! I’m appreciative of people who will hand him over right when he starts to feel uncomfortable/fussy, rather than try to soothe him themselves and just make things worse.
Carolina says
Mama, what a rough start. I’m glad you’re little one is now home and fine with you.
That whole situation with your mom is so tricky…it’s hard to say no or stop someone when it’s your own parent. I would try and let her know how you feel, especially if she’s doing something that’s bothering you. She might get upset but eventually she’ll get over it. Don’t forget you know what’s best for your baby more than anyone else.
I hope things get easier with your mom rather sooner than later. Hugs!
Mari says
Thank you for your post. I have two children, 18 months old girl and a 10 year old boy. I have felt this way with both my babies and perhaps more so with my daughter.
It is so sad that people cannot understand and respect other people’s boundaries.
The reason I am here today is similar. I’m torn about a stupid decision I made a couple of hours ago for reluctantly letting my daughter go on a quad bike with an older man I barely know at the bike track where my son rides. He was pushy and took her and because I’m so stupid and cannot say no I let her go and then started chasing after them. It was only about 100 meters but I felt disgusted with myself for not being firm. So many different thoughts have gone through my head and I am so mad at myself for not a being a good mum and putting her in a vulnerable situation. I am posting this because I’m too scared to even tell my husband, because he will be fuming and will tell me that I am nice to everyone else but him and that this is proof. The only thing I did was ask him what he thought of the man and he said that he was a nice guy and he liked him.
It’s just that I have felt like this before and it’s so horrible to be so distrusting. A few weeks ago one of our family friends carried my little girl and walked off with her in their house. I immediately got up and followed him because I felt odd and questioned in my head why he was going out of my sight with her.
I just don’t know if this is normal to feel so anxious and untrusting of others?
I would love to know if anyone has felt like this and how do you stop thinking about it. Am I overreacting?
As I young girl I had a few unpleasant experiences with male family friends and these memories haunt me specially since I’ve had a baby girl.
Carolina says
Mama, the way you are feeling is completely normal. Your feelings are there for a reason and it’s to protect your little one.
I know sometimes it’s hard to be vocal about how you feel and say no but instead of feeling bad about these experiences I would use them as a reminder to just say no when something doesn’t feel right. You don’t need to explain your feelings, just trust them. If someone gets mad over it, it’s their problem – they should respect your wishes!
Please don’t beat yourself up about it. We can only learn from our experiences and move forward. After this party that I went I slowly started working the courage to say no and be firm. You can do this too mama! ❤️
Anonymous says
Thank you for your reply. I honestly feel so much better and braver I think 😉
X
Carolina says
It’s a work in progress for all of us! But don’t give up – you got this and the more you trust your instincts the easier it will be easier to follow them. ❤️
Ashley says
I liked this article! My kids are 5yrs and 8months and I still don’t like in laws etc.. holding my kids or taking them away from me. I can’t stand going to family events and my husband let’s his aunt or mother whoever take my 5yr old out of the house without us. If my child wants to play in the park I will take him. I don’t trust that they will watch him the way I would. They also pass my 8month old baby around like a hot potato at family events! I don’t want to seem rude so I let them but the entire time I’m anxious and super stressed out to the point where I have to take him back and leave the room for a bit, otherwise the hot potato game will NEVER end. From now on I will stand up for myself.
Carolina says
I understand the feeling all too well. I think people can interact with your baby without passing baby like a hot potato.
One idea: you could set up a little play area on the floor and let family sit down on the floor to play with baby. That way baby can crawl back to you…
Ashley says
I have tried that but they hover over him and barely give him space to move. A few mins later they just pick him up.lol It gets annoying.
Carolina says
Agghhh! So annoying! I’m so sorry mama! 🙁
Jeddi says
I don’t have any children yet, but I am sure I am going to feel the same way with people trying to hold my future baby. What I get really uncomfortable with is when I see other people (including extended family) kissing other people’s baby. Their immune system is just building up! Plus, you don’t know what diseases the adult could pass onto your child! My mom had a strict do not kiss the baby rule. I am sure I’ll be super protective also. I found your blog through Pinterest =)
Carolina says
Hi! I’m so happy you found my blog.
The kissing thing is a big no-no. Did you see that really bad case of herpes a tiny baby got after a family member kissed him?
If someone really needs to kiss your baby I would stick to feet but hopefully you won’t run into that when your times comes to be a mommy. ❤️
Lorna says
I’m so glad I found this. I needed to read it!
Im a first time mum (my husband and I are the first of our generation of either family to have a baby too so lots of excitement). Our baby boy just got home after being in NICU! After having to spend 6 weeks traveling back and forth and having to deal with nurses looking after him mostly instead of me, I’m having some major anxiety about letting anyone hold him apart from me or my husband. Luckily, my husband understands me. It was difficult enough letting my husbands mother and brother, I hovered constantly ready to take the baby from them if he started fussing. Neither of them got more than five minutes. Now we’ve got more family wanting to see him even though we’d said before we want a couple of weeks to ourselves to bond with the baby more. His family aren’t listening to us (I live abroad from mine and our friends respect our wishes). I’ve been having trouble mustering up the courage to tell them no. I can pretend to deal with them seeing him, but no touching or holding please! I don’t want to hurt feelings but after reading this post it’s helped me feel a lot easier about the situation. Hopefully we can get through this weekend without drama. If people don’t understand our wishes they’re not people I want to be around. I’ll hopefully get over this as the baby gets older and I bond with him more but for now they’ll have to deal with it.
Thank you for easing my thoughts!
Carolina says
How did it go mama? I totally understand how you’re feeling and I too would feel even more protective if my baby spent so much in the NICU.
If you don’t have a baby carrier, look into it because it’s a great way to keep baby close to you!
Lorna says
I thankfully have a carrier and it saved me from people wanting me to hand him over a couple of times. As the weeks have gone on it’s gotten much easier for me and I’ve even experimented with “would you like to hold him?” Or asking someone to take him when I’ve needed both hands free. It still makes me anxious but it’s getting easier. 🙂
Carolina says
I’m glad it’s getting easier for you. Just remember to trust your instincts and do what feels right to you.
KL says
I asked this in a private message on FB to you, but I thought I would share it here as well:
My sister who is 17- I am 28 btw, loves to hold my son. Okay, that is fine. My problem is that she tries to take him into different rooms when he is tired to put him to sleep and she just likes to walk off with him. I do not like anyone taking my baby into another room without me unless it’s my husband of course. Also, no one else even does this.
I talked to my mom about this and she was not very supportive. She told me something along the lines of- she loves her nephew and she just wants to be around him. I definitely feel invalidated by her even though my mom has the best intentions.
I have expressed my irritation to my sister and she respected me for a little bit, but now I feel like she is just sneaky. For example, my 14 yr old sister will hold my son and then the 17 yr old will ask her if she can hold the baby next instead of asking me.
Also, we went to a music event and I went to the bathroom and had my family watch him. When I was coming back I could see my sister pass my son back to my Dad all rushed pretending she wasn’t holding him. I confronted her and it was awkward the rest of the evening.
Today my Dad was holding my son and walking around with him to put him to sleep. My sister asked to hold him and when I found my son, she had taken him to the office and he was crying and she said she was just trying to put him to sleep. I’m sure she was, but why does she always have to isolate herself?
I feel like she is trying to control these situations, but I’m the Mama and this makes me uncomfortable. As I have said before, I do not feel like my mom (or Dad) understand where I am coming from, they just say she loves him and wants to be around him. Please help!
Carolina says
I’m so sorry I missed your Facebook message (not sure why I don’t see it). This is such a tricky situation but you have to confront your sister. Explain to her you’re fine with her holding your baby and not walking away. She doesn’t have to understand, she just has to respect your wishes. It’s your baby and this is part of advocating for them.
I know it might be an awkward conversation to have but things will get better afterwards.
Good luck mama! I hope she stops doing that.
Kellie says
Thank you for replying! I confronted her and she actually started arguing with me. It was awkward, but in the end she said she would “continue to respect my wishes” even though she didn’t previously. She has a lot of pride and is very stubborn, but I am hoping she more or less understands this time around.
Carolina says
Oh mama, that must have been hard. I’m so sorry! I do hope she respects your wishes and from now on things are easier.
Let us know how it goes. ?
Anonymous says
I know this is an old post, but I came across it because I google searched this topic! I have a 6 month old, and we have a big extended family and church community… so I am ALWAYS being asked if someone can hold my baby girl. And I feel the same way! I don’t know how to tell people, no, I’m sorry but you cannot. And I don’t need a break, thank you very much. Why don’t people get that?!
Carolina says
That’s exactly how I felt…I’m not sure why people don’t get it but the only thing that worked for me was babywearing. Have you tried that?
Congrats on your new baby!
Anonymous says
I don’t know. I get how you feel but my sister had a baby about 9 months ago and I was really excited to have a newborn in the family and to become an aunt and hopefully a second mother figure type person who her son could trust and know was always there for him as well. My sister became so overprotective of him that I don’t have any kind of connection or relationship with him and neither do our brother or parents. Its actually quite heartbreaking but I’ve now detached because she needs to take the lead and make room for us in his life because she’s created such strict boundaries. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells on the rare occasions I do see my nephew.
Carolina says
There’s still plenty of time for you to bond with your nephew. You will see that once he’s walking and moving around more your sister will be fine with him playing with others and he will also be looking for other to play with. I know it can be hard to understand but things will most likely change as he gets older.
Both of my kids were very attached to me as babies and didn’t even really want to hang out with anyone else and now they love playing with their uncles and could care less if I’m not around while they’re playing. Don’t lose hope!
Rachel says
My little guy is 3 months old today and I still feel this way! A couple weeks ago at church he got passed around all over while I wasn’t looking. I don’t even know who all held him! I’m also really uncomfortable with people shaking his hand now that his hands are in his mouth a lot. It’s hard to not sound rude when asking people not not to do stuff like that. But like you said, I’d be the one taking care of him if he got sick; not them.
Carolina says
That’s so frustrating mama! I cringe every time I see someone holding a baby’s hand… on one side it can build immunity but on the other side, if the person is carrying some virus the baby could get sick.
Trust your instincts, mama. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it…you know what’s best for your baby!
Beth says
It feels so good knowing I’m not the only mom like this. My in laws are always trying to hold my son-who spent a week in the nicu mind you-that they will go as far as not disclosing when they’re sick because they know I won’t allow it. It’s ridiculous. It’s gotten so bad not only around them but everyone else that I have to have rules taped to my diaper bag, and it only helps a little. I will never understand why anyone would want to snatch a baby from his or her parents. Also, I would never make a mom feel like a bad parent because she doesn’t want to risk her child being around germs.
Carolina says
Wow! I can’t believe they even try to hold him when they’re sick. That’s just been selfish!
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s so hard when others close to us don’t understand but remember you’re your child’s voice now that he can’t speak. Follow your instincts and trust that you know what’s best…because you do!
Lizzy says
Thanks for this article – what a refreshing read! I have a 6mo daughter and she would cry when someone unfamiliar comes to hold her. Every time when we attend my husband’s family events my mother-in-law would always come to me and grab the baby away from me. My baby would just scream and cry. My husband’s aunties and his sister-in-law encourage such stupid behaviour and think that it will ease stranger anxiety if the baby can’t see the mother. There was once his aunty held the baby and said to her “you can’t look at your mother!” and swiftly took her far away from me. My mother-in-law would also say to the baby “I’m gonna take you away so you can’t see your mother”. I felt like I was a criminal. Why can’t she see me? And why do they have to say such things to the baby? The way the in-laws act is as if I am a bad mother and that they have to take the baby away from the bad mom. The other thing that bothers me is how much alcohol is consumed at these family events. My husband’s sis-in-law drinks piss all the time and in one of those gatherings she approached me to grab the baby and when the baby cried I wanted to take her back, but she held her hand up and said “you gotta stay away and not let her look at you”. I should have defended by saying I don’t wish any person under the influence of alcohol to hold my baby so back off.
I spoke with my husband about this and he just asked me to take a chill pill. At subsequent family gatherings he would go and take our baby back when his mum takes her away from me abruptly but I am gonna ask him to confront his mother on the topic so it won’t happen again.
lotelle says
Once a woman who was acting very odd tried tried to pick up my niece (who I was a babysitting) from her pram. We were in a group in the park talking to some friends and she was on the other side of the group. Before she even touched my niece I hit her across the face HARD. It was an immediate reaction and not ashamed of it at all. Her reaction was shock and she howled. I frowned at her and said ‘Don’t you dare ever do that again’. Some of my friends laughed at the woman’s reaction, whilst the others looked on in disbelief. She flounced away, it was very funny. Nobody touches my niece without my sister or her husbands permission. Also she looked liked she hadn’t showered in a week so god knows the germs that could transfer to the baby girl.
Carolina says
I love that your instincts kicked in. And I wonder what this lady was thinking… I don’t think anyone would be okay with a stranger holder their baby.
Chippy says
It is very comforting for me to read all the comments since I feel the exact same way. I take my (now) 6 month old baby to parties and sure enough everyone wants to hold her. I am fine with it if it is a close friend of mine and also if she doesn’t cry. But she has stranger anxiety but people insist on taking her away saying….oh she needs to cry, she’ll grow out of it, she needs to learn that we are good people. Hellloooo, she is a baby! She doesn’t know that yet. Ughh. I give warnings to people now that hey, she doesn’t want to be held right now. It means she wants her mommy! My friends look at me like I am crazy for not “sharing” the baby and that I am spoiling her by holding her too much. Thank you very much for your post.
Carolina says
I’m so happy you can set boundaries. That’s part of being a mom and the sooner we set boundaries, the easier it gets. Plus there will come a day when she will be fine being with your friends and family. For now, it’s important to be there for your baby when she needs you.
Anonymous says
I’m so relieved to have found this post. I was starting to think maybe there was something wrong with me. My son is three weeks old and it has been driving me crazy to allow people to hold him. My mother and mother in law are the worst with this. Both are elderly and feeble which makes me concerned when they hold him but mostly my issue is that they will hold him for hours and not give him back until he cries and always throw it in my face that they’ve raised children. I’ve offended both grandmothers at this point by demanding my baby back or critiquing the way they hold him to the point were I’ve made my mom cry. I feel terrible about this but I’m only trying to protect my son and follow my intuition. So thank you again for reassuring me that I’m not alone in my feelings.
krithi says
Very true..same thing happened to me..and people also started commenting on me that am very selfish and reserved so and so..but i was just trying protect my baby
Carolina says
You do you, mama! What other say doesn’t matter. ?
Kira says
I’m so glad you wrote this. I’m a new mom and even during my pregnancy it felt like family expected to have “dibs” on my baby. Like I was just supposed to hand her over to them. She is 7wks old now and I let family/close friends hold her as I feel comfortable but I don’t always feel comfortable letting others hold her, especially this young. A lot of times I would just prefer to keep her because I don’t like the idea of people passing her around and her getting sick. Some have even made me feel bad because I want to hold on to her and it hurts but I feel like it’s also my baby and I need to protect her and I don’t owe anyone an explanation. Im glad I’m not the only one that feels the need to hold on to their baby.
Jazgbl says
Hello! New mom to a 9 -month old now and I truly agree with your post. Went through it almost the same as you had. I felt very protective of my baby and I would sulk and sometimes cry when others held her back when she was a newborn up to maybe 6 months. I think they call it the baby blues. I’m doing much better now but still learning to trust others around my baby. I feel very protective of my baby around certain people and I am setting boundaries since she cannot do so herself yet—we have to advocate for our little ones! Some people don’t and won’t get it, but it’s ok because I know I have to trust my instincts. Your post was very reassuring and I’m glad that I’m not the only one going through it!