Being a kind and gentle parent to your child doesn’t mean they get to do whatever they want, it means you see them for the human that they are and treat them with respect and kindness.
Being a gentle parent means that instead of yelling or spanking, you find a way to discipline your child that teaches them what they need to learn without causing trauma.
Being a gentle parent means you find a way to get through to your child so they can learn and not just comply out of fear.
Being a gentle parent means you don’t place expectations on your child that they cannot live up to. Many times we expect our children to control their emotions when many adults struggle with that. Be mindful of your child’s age and development, and only expect what is appropriate for your child at this current stage.
Being a gentle parent means you say no to the behavior, but you say yes to the feelings because you know deep down we all want to feel acknowledged and understood.
Being a gentle parent means you prioritize building a strong connection with your child, because you know a strong connection is emotionally healthier. A strong connection also means your child is willing to cooperate more with you.
Being a gentle parent means you are modeling to your child the behavior you want them to display. If you want to raise kind humans, show them what kindness looks like by being kind to them.
Being a gentle parent means you are finally letting go of outdated parenting practices and embracing parenting in a way that causes less trauma.
Being a gentle parent means you see your child for who they are and you parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had or the child someone else thinks you have. You see them – really see them!
Being a gentle parent means you treat your children with love, kindness and respect because you know that’s the most effective way to get through a human being that need your guidance in life.
People sometimes confuse permissive parenting with gentle parenting.
Permissive parenting is when you let your child do whatever they want, whenever they want and with little guidance. On the other hand, gentle parenting is parenting your child with respect – respecting the fact that they are too a human and deserve basic kindness and respect.
Gentle parenting guides your child and disciplines your child in ways that are effective and profound, but without disrespecting your child and causing trauma. In all honestly, to me, gentle parenting is simply parenting a human. It’s the way we all deserve to be treated and a way we all learn best.
Raising children in a loving, nurturing environment should be the norm.
Children deserve respect, kindness and love. These are not things they need to earn, these are their given rights as humans. Don’t use these as bribes or tokens. Children need to know they are loved and that they can trust you with their biggest fears and insecurities.
When your child feels respected and that they can trust you, they are more open to your guidance and disciplining your child becomes a lot easier to raise because your child is willing to learn from you and cooperate with you.
See your child for who they are and allow yourself to be the parent your child needs.
How do you start practicing Gentle Parenting?
When you were not raised by gentle parents, it may seem hard to try a different way to parent your children. Luckily we have so many books and resources we can tap into. Here are some of my favorite parenting books.
I have found that the easiest way to get this information was through audiobooks because you can listen to the books while doing chores around the house or running errands.
However, there’s a more powerful tool, and that is to practice self-awareness. Start paying attention to how you’re speaking to your child, what words you’re using with your child, how you’re reacting to their behavior. Many times, parents are on auto-pilot and repeating patterns from their childhood.
When you practice self-awareness you start noticing what things you’d like to change and you start to slow down – you start reacting less and responding more. This means that instead of reacting right away by yelling, punishing your child, not understanding what happened, you slow down enough so that you can asses the situation and parent your child with a plan and goal, and when you’re not feeling upset. When you practice self-awareness you eventually stop reacting and start responding to the situation, your child’s needs and parenting in a more effective way.
Here are a few good questions to ask yourself when you’re practicing self-awareness:
- Why am I parenting this way?
- Is this an effective way to parent?
- Am I getting to the result I want?
- Is my child actually learning or simply scared of me?
- If I was a child in this situation, how would I best learn this lesson? How would I like to be treated?
Questions like this help you turn off the auto-pilot so that you can start having full control over yourself, and over how you parent your child.
Related reading: How to Stop Living on Autopilot and Take Control Over Your Life and Parenting
Remember, many times adults tend to treat children worse than they would treat other adults. Children are not less human than an adult. They deserve, at least, the same kindness and respect we have towards other adults. But even more than that, they deserve compassion and understanding from us.
They are little humans learning about this world, trying to figure stuff out in a big, complex, complicated world all while trying to manage big emotions. Many adults can’t control themselves when they’re angry, what makes you think that it’s easy for a child to do that if it’s hard for an adult? We must always remember where our children are developmentally and have appropriate expectations for that age.
I have been asked many times how are my children so well behaved. My children have never been punished, had a timeout nor any other sort of reprimand for misbehaving. From a very young age I focused on connecting with my children so that when I need to discipline them or teach them a lesson, they listen, understand and work with me.
This means, I not only keep in mind where they are developmentally but I also take into consideration their personality, who they are and how they learn best. For example, my youngest cannot learn anything if she’s upset. When she’s upset, she’s so upset she shut downs. So I support her through her feelings and once she’s in a good place, the learning comes.
Your goal as parent is to raise children who do the right thing because it is the right thing to do and they get that, not because they are simply complying out of fear.
Children have a natural desire to make us happy, we don’t need to threaten them or punish them to get them to comply. We need to understand who they are, understand that being a child is hard at times, be there for them and teach them in ways where you’re actually getting through to them, at the right time.
You can accomplish this by practicing self-awareness. When you practice self-awareness you also discover traumas you’ve been carrying since you’re childhood. You’ll remember words said to you and actions taken towards you that caused trauma, and you will avoid these parenting ways because you will now, through your experience, that they are not effective.
Practicing self-awareness also makes you aware of days where parenting might be harder for you. For example, if you’re tired or had a bad day at work, you can feel that in your body and know, from practicing self-awareness, that in days like that you have less patience.
You walk into your home knowing this, and know that you will need to have more patience with yourself today than other days. You can set yourself up for success and plan a day or activities that won’t trigger your yelling or even ask your kids for some space today as you’re having a rough day. By practicing self-awareness you stop taking it out on your kids. And with your example, your kids start learning how they can handle days when they’re feeling off and have big emotions.
Another great question to ask yourself when parenting your child is, “What would love do?, What would love do in this situation?” Love is a powerful teacher, one that truly teaches, but without unnecessary trauma.
There is no such thing as too much love. You cannot spoil a children by loving them too much. Love is the environment all humans thrive on. So, by asking yourself, what would love do now?, you can come up with creative and new ways to parent your child.
And it’s okay if you don’t always know how to parent your child. When you hit a wall, tell your child you need a moment to think this through. If you’re at a loss, start listening or reading to more parenting books, chat with like-minded friends or get parenting support.
But the most important thing to remember is that in your heart, you know how to parent your child, you truly do! Sometimes all we need to do is shut down the auto-pilot, watch how we’re acting and parent from the heart.
Would you like daily reminders on gentle parenting? Follow my TikTok or watch my Instagram stories every day. I share parenting tips and reminders we all need to hear when it comes to parenting.
Related reading: Conscious Parenting: 7 Things You Can Start Doing Today to Be a Better Parent
Thank you for such valuable information. You nailed it.
It’s very sad that so many people have confused gentle parenting with permissive parenting. All the misconceptions about gentle parenting are actually hurting these people’s chances of trying something different for the sake of their children, leading them to continue believing that spanking is effective, children need “tough love”, children must be blindly obedient, and so on.
Gentle parenting is NOT the same thing as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting actually falls under the category of authoritative parenting, meaning that those who practice gentle parenting are more kinder to their children while ensuring that they set firm boundaries and limits on what’s right and what’s wrong. That means that gentle parents use evidence-based discipline practices that are effective and do not undermine the children’s unmet needs, including needs for connection. Gentle parents also so the best they can to set good examples for their children in everything they do. That means watching how they talk, how they say things, and what they do. They are aware that children have immature brains that are in development and copy what their parents do.
Permissive parents, meanwhile do very little to discipline their children. While they may have rules set, they don’t enforce those rules. They essentially let their children do whatever they want, setting very poor examples for their children. Permissive parents also indirectly teach their children that their actions have no consequences, which sets them up for many future problems as the children get older, such as getting in trouble with the law, as well as the authority. These children don’t do very well at school. They also may struggle with mental health issues.
“Gentle parents let their children do whatever they want, and that’s why there are many bad-behaved children… because they’re not disciplined enough!”
This is, perhaps one of the BIGGEST misconceptions about gentle parenting. There are parents who were raised by authoritarian parents, loving parents who don’t know any better, abusive, and toxic parents. They want to do better for their kids, but don’t know where to start. They want to heal their inner child. They want to heal the trauma they may have suffered in the past so that their kids don’t suffer the same pain as them.
The idea of “gentle parents letting their children to do whatever they want” is not only misleading, but it’s hurting these parents’ chances to change for themselves, their children, and their future. It’s time that we spread awareness about what gentle parenting actually is and clear up misconceptions about gentle parenting, as well as give the parents’ chances to change for the better instead of holding them back and holding onto harmful and punitive beliefs about parenting, as well as what children actually need.
It’s very sad that so many people have confused gentle parenting with permissive parenting. All the misconceptions about gentle parenting are actually hurting these people’s chances of trying something different for the sake of their children, leading them to continue believing that spanking is effective, children need “tough love”, children must be blindly obedient, and so on.
Gentle parenting is NOT the same thing as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting actually falls under the category of authoritative parenting, meaning that those who practice gentle parenting are more kinder to their children while ensuring that they set firm boundaries and limits on what’s right and what’s wrong. That means that gentle parents use evidence-based discipline practices that are effective and do not undermine the children’s unmet needs, including needs for connection.
Gentle parents also so the best they can to set good examples for their children in everything they do. That means watching how they talk, how they say things, and what they do. They are aware that children have immature brains that are in development and copy what their parents do.
Permissive parents, meanwhile do very little to discipline their children. While they may have rules set, they don’t enforce those rules. They essentially let their children do whatever they want, setting very poor examples for their children.
As a result, permissive parents indirectly teach their children that their actions have no consequences, which sets them up for many future problems as the children get older, such as getting in trouble with the law, as well as the authority. These children don’t do very well at school. They also may struggle with mental health issues.
“Gentle parents let their children do whatever they want, and that’s why there are many bad-behaved children… because they’re not disciplined enough!”
This is, perhaps one of the BIGGEST misconceptions about gentle parenting. There are parents who were raised by authoritarian parents, loving parents who don’t know any better, abusive, and toxic parents.
These parents want to do better for their kids, but don’t know where to start. They want to heal their inner child. They want to heal the trauma they may have suffered in the past so that their kids don’t suffer the same pain as them.
The idea of “gentle parents letting their children to do whatever they want” is not only misleading, but it’s hurting these parents’ chances to change for themselves, their children, and their future.
It’s time that we spread awareness about what gentle parenting actually is and clear up misconceptions about gentle parenting, as well as give the parents’ chances to change for the better instead of holding them back and holding onto harmful and punitive beliefs about parenting, as well as what children actually need.