When I began my parenting journey I knew I was going to be a different kind of parent. I knew I didn’t want to be a traditional parent, I knew I didn’t want to turn to yelling, spanking or fear to discipline my kids and I knew love would be our baseline and that I would prioritize building a connection with them.
10 years later I still feel the same way, but the difference between now and then is that I can see in my children the positive effects from raising them this way. I have also accumulated so much parenting knowledge and that, alongside doing inner work, has given me parenting tools and insights that today I want to share with you.
1. No one’s opinion matters…but your own!
Throughout the years I have gotten so much unsolicited feedback from people, judgement and assumptions about how my kids would turn out because of my parenting ways. Thankfully back then my own intuition told me to stick to how I wanted to parent, even though some of these comments made me feel bad and at times made me question my parenting.
But with age and time I understood that I am the one that has to live with the choices I make, this also includes parenting choices. This means that I will be the one dealing with the consequences of how I parented my children. Me, not anyone else. And now I can look back and say I’m grateful that I did what felt right to me and that I didn’t go against my intuition just because someone thought I should be yelling or putting my kids in time out.
There is nothing worse than looking back and regretting not listening to your intuition. Now that I’m 10 years into parenting, I understand that every person parents how they feel best and what’s right for one person might not be right to another.
I learned that you don’t need to explain yourself. You can just say: “Thanks for your feedback” and move on with your life because what others think truly doesn’t matter. You are the one that’s there with your child every single day.
If you’re a new mom, it is normal and okay to feel insecure in some of your choices, but do not let others opinions bring you down. Follow your intuition, read parenting books, educate yourself on alternative parenting ways and parent from the heart, from YOUR heart.
2. There is no one right way to parent
Every single human being walking on this planet is unique, has a unique personality with its own unique dreams, desires, issues, fears, etc. This means that you cannot parent two children the same. Yes, you might use the same parenting strategies but how you use them and the outcome will always vary.
I have two children and they’re both so different and while I am the same parent, they each have their own individual needs and I parent them based on who they are and what they need. I make it a priority to make sure both my children feel loved, heard, understood and are connected to me but many times I show them a lesson in a different way than their siblings – because they are different people.
So if two siblings are different and sometimes need different parenting strategies, imagine when you compare two kids coming from different families. What one parent does might be right for their child but not yours, and vice-versa.
This means that no one else out there can tell you how to parent your child. You know better than anyone what YOUR child needs. And when someone criticizes what you are doing, remember there isn’t one size fits all when it comes to parenting.
Focus on parenting the child you have. Get to know them and find the strategies that work best for them.
3. Learning takes time
A child doesn’t learn a lesson the first time they are exposed to something. Parenting requires a lot of repetition and also a lot of patience. You will find yourself repeating and modeling a lot of the same stuff, over and over again, and that is completely normal.
Your toddler needs time to process and learn and they need to hear the same lesson many times, and sometimes in different ways before they can integrate it. But there always comes a day when it just clicks for your child, and they get it, they know and they start behaving accordingly.
It is important to understand things take time and not expect results faster than a child can produce them. Patience is one of the most important skills every parent needs to develop. If you find yourself being short, start working on developing more patience.
If you’re still struggling with patience, remember what it was like to be a child, put yourself in their shoes. Let yourself feel compassion towards your child and remember, they are a child, they are learning and they need a patient parent.
4. Nothing is more important than connection and love
You can try all the parenting strategies out there but if your child doesn’t feel connected to you and unconditionally loved by you, none of it is going to work. This is why your number one priority should be to connect with your child every day.
If you do one thing every day, let it be connecting with your child. This is the foundation of it all. When you connect with your child they are more willing to be open to your guidance, they are more open to talk to your about their worries and parenting becomes easier.
Connection doesn’t have to be a big elaborate thing. Connection happens every day, it happens in small doses and with small little activities. You can connect by playing, cooking together, hanging out, snuggling in bed or reading together.
The best way to connect is to take interest in what your child is into and spend time with them doing these things they love. As my children get older, I am seeing the results of prioritizing a connection with them and I guarantee you, it is 100% worth it to make the time and effort to build this relationship.
It is also important to remember that sometimes children need to connect at a time that is not convenient to you but if you see your child needing your support, take a moment to ask yourself if you can pause what you’re doing to be there for your child. The dirty dishes can wait, your child comes first.
Related reading: The Most Important Thing You Can Do For Your Child Every Day
5. Acknowledging their feelings is a powerful parenting tool
We all want to feel loved, heard and understood. This applies both for adults and for kids. Many times when our child is going through a rough emotional moment we don’t stop to acknowledge their feeling and I find that it is very hard for children to move on, learn a lesson and follow your guidance when they don’t feel acknowledged and understood.
Their issues might seem small and insignificant to you, but they are real to them and many times they feel like really big problems to them. Which is why every single time my child has big feelings I first acknowledge them before I parent them. I have drilled this in my brain, always first acknowledge. That will always be the first step, the first thing you have to do when your child is going through something rough.
Acknowledging their feelings doesn’t mean they get to do whatever they want. It means you can understand where they are coming from. Remember this, you can say yes to the feelings and no the behavior. You can acknowledge they feel bad and how hard this must be for them and once your child sees you are on their side and understand, you can parent them, show them where the boundaries are, teach them a lesson, etc. In my personal experience, the acknowledgment helps them calm down and open them up to us.
This even works very well with other adults, when people feel heard and understood by you, they can calm down and then open up to your guidance and support. Try this technique on your partner next time they’re upset with you and see how well it works.
6. Society has unrealistic expectation of child development
I see so many parents complaining about how their child behaves and 99% of the time that behavior is appropriate for the child’s age. Our expectation of what children can do tend to be way off, many times we even expect them to control their emotions even better than most adults can.
It is important to get familiar with what’s appropriate for each of your child’s developmental stages. It will bring you peace and ease your mind. It will help you understand that the meltdown they had is completely normal and doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
Also remember not all children develop the same skills at the same time, there are ranges for what’s developmentally normal. Next time you find yourself feeling frustrated with your child, remember they are a child, not a tiny adult. They are still learning and expressing their needs and frustrations the only way they know how.
With time your children will develop skills that will help them in life and will help them to regulate their emotions. Pushing or forcing your child to be ahead developmentally of where they currently are doesn’t work. Children develop at their pace.
So next time you’re out and about and someone gives you a look because of how your child is behaving, ignore them. Your child is right on track and where they are supposed to be. They will learn and acquire the necessary skills when they feel loved and supported by you.
7. If you don’t know how to handle a situation, find a solution
Previous generations didn’t have the tools we have now for parenting and a lot of their parenting strategies came from word of mouth. Some of these strategies are ok but many of them are not, and create trauma to your child.
The internet has made it so much easier to find parenting tools and strategies that don’t involve trauma and fear. You can find strategies to parent any situation, and different ways to parent the same situation. Utilize that for your benefit.
If you don’t know how to handle something without yelling, punishment or spanking, find helpful strategies. Google has solutions, there are plenty of people sharing conscious parenting strategies online, read parenting books, ask for help online in a group, etc. There are many ways to find answers now and there are also many more studies now about child raising that can help parents raise their kids in a healthier emotional way.
Just because something has been done a certain way for generations it doesn’t make it right. It is ok to do things differently and when you’re feeling insecure utilize these studies, books, knowledge from parenting experts to give yourself more confidence.
Click here for my top recommended parenting books. This is a great starting point and these books will give you most of the parenting tools you’ll need.
Related reading: Conscious Parenting: How to Help Your Child Face Their Fears
8. The baby and toddler years are some of the hardest
Every phase of parenting has its challenges, it’s pros and cons. However the baby and toddler stage is truly hard for two main reasons: you are mostly sleep deprived and it’s hard to function with very little sleep and your child’s capacity at handling emotions and life is limited, which can lead to intense emotional outbursts that are hard to manage.
I call this stage in life “survival mode”. You are trying to survive with the lack of sleep and parent in the best possible way you can. Know you are in a rough stage but with time it will get easier because you’ll be able to sleep more and you’ll have more experience. With time comes more knowledge on who your child is, on how to help them, on what strategies work best for them.
So while you will find yourself in challenging situations, you will feel better equipped to manage them. And if you don’t know how to handle a situation, you will know where to find the answers.
When you get frustrated with your little one, remember this is as much a hard stage for them as it is for you and instead of getting frustrated with them, take 3 deep breaths or do something that helps you reset.
Your priority during survival mode is to do your best and have compassion for yourself. You are in a challenging phase but in a few years parenting will feel easier.
9. Your marriage / partnership will face challenges
Every single couple I’ve met has faced challenging moments in their marriage after having kids. It changes life as you know it. It shows you a new side of your partner you didn’t know. You’re both sleep deprived, with possibly different beliefs on how this child should be raised, and probably also working. It’s a lot!
There were days my husband and I barely got to talk because the kids needed us. And while I believe spending time with your partner should be one of your priorities, sometimes after being up at night multiple times and taking care of a child all day leaves you so tired all you can do when they’re sleeping is sleep too.
If you’re raising little ones just know this is going to be some of the hardest years of your marriage. Don’t make any drastic decisions during this time. Once your children reach the age of 4 (approximately) you will start finding more and more time for you and your partner.
10. Doing the inner work is a must if you’re a parent
The best parents I have met are this way because they’ve done or are doing the inner work. Every single human has unresolved trauma from their childhood and this trauma and the way we were parented shapes who we are today as parents.
If we don’t take the time to work on ourselves our children will not have the best parents they could have. Doing the inner work has been key to being a very patient parent. My child can have an epic meltdown next to me and I don’t lose it, I support my child, and remain the calm presence in their life while they go through all those emotions.
I also don’t yell at my children, I pay attention to the words I tell them and the behavior I display. I don’t take out my emotions and problems on my child, if I feel off or less patient I am extra aware of my actions as to not take out my emotions on my kids.
I am able to do this and more because of the inner work I did. It was by doing this inner work that I realized what shaped me and how situations shape who we are. It was by reading personal development books that I learned what not to do to my kids and what to do for them and with them.
In fact, I have read more personal development books than parenting books and they have shaped how I parent my children because I have learned what causes trauma and do my best to avoid those things. And while we will all cause some issues to our children, we owe it to them to heal ourselves and give it our best.
The beauty of doing the inner work is that you can do so even when they are babies. I started by listening to audiobooks and meditating when I could. Understanding who you are and your traumas will 100% make you a better parent.
Here are two books that are a great starting point for inner work and parenting:
- How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self
- Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting
I feel like I could go on and on, but this article is long enough as it is already! If you are interested in more parenting inspiration like this, check out these other articles:
- One Question to Ask Yourself When You Are Not Sure How to Parent Your Child
- Gentle Parenting is NOT Permissive Parenting
- Conscious Parenting: 7 Things You Can Start Doing Today to Be a Better Parent
- How to Discipline Your Child Without Yelling
- 15 Uplifting and Life-Changing Books That Will Improve Your Life
And remember, you are your child’s parent for a reason, you are who they need! Give your best, follow your intuition, parent from the heart and make connecting with them a priority.
Patricia says
Very thorough post. Thanks!