It’s been a long time since I lived with my parents. When I was 18 they moved to Belgium and my journey of living on my own began. I loved every moment of it and was very proud that I could take care of myself. I made some bad decisions on the way but also learned a lot. The only time I went back to live with my parents was for a few months after coming back from living in Canada. I stayed with them until I found a job and an apartment…so I lived on my own for quite some time, that is, until I met the love of my life.
I’ve always gotten along with my parents and talk to them on a daily basis but staying with them for 6 weeks brought back memories of my teenage years, my rebellious time and old feelings I had forgotten. Like many people, my parents are set in their particular ways and their lifestyle is very different from mine so sharing a house for 6 weeks can be a little overwhelming for me and for them, especially for my mom. During the past 6 weeks I’ve heard more times than I should have my parents complaining about me, either the way I am or something I did. I know part of them is sad that I left but part of them is happy that I left.
Now that I have a baby I’ve seen these last 6 weeks through different eyes and it got me thinking…
I love my baby girl so much. She is my world, my everything (along with my husband). I imagine this is the way my parents felt about me but at some moment, even though they never stopped loving me, they started finding parts of me annoying.
I think about my Cookie, is it possible that I will find her that annoying at times that she will feel rejected by me? Is it possible that she will overhear me complaining about her and I will hurt her feeling or lose her trust? It is possible but I don’t want to do this. And I’m left here wondering is it so hard to be a parent and just simply love and support your children the way they are? Maybe “love” is not the right word to use because to love them is easy but to tolerate them when their way of living and personalities are so different from yours might be hard.
I am a new mom. Just beginning this journey. I have no expertise but I have a great desire to be a better parent than my parents were to me. Don’t get me wrong, I think I had pretty awesome parents but no one is perfect and we had some struggles, especially when I was a teenager (I was a difficult one). I want to avoid making the same mistakes they did and this is why I am writing this letter to my future self in hopes I become a better parent, in hopes I can understand how my children feel.
Dear future self,
You are probably now a grandma and have forgotten what it’s like to be a new parent. You have probably forgotten what it’s like to have small kids and you are probably so set in your ways it might be hard to see beyond that. This is why I write this letter for you today, so when you read it many years from now, you can remember, you won’t forget…
I want you to remember how you felt about your parents and how they made you feel when they were proud of you, loving, mad, sad and when they were complaining about you…because most likely this is how you will make your children feel.
I want you to remember that you cannot talk bad about your kids. You might want to vent a little and it might be harmless talk but they might hear you and that can cause more damage than you ever know. So if you do need to vent, do it when they are not in the same house.
Remember that even older kids love to be pampered so when your children come visit you pamper them from the heart. You might feel like it’s too much but they will visit you for such short periods of time that it’s worth it. Cook for them, make them feel special, even clean after them, especially if they have a children of their own because it’s something they’re going to appreciate.
Do not give parenting advice to your children. If they want help or have concerns they will come to you. Also don’t criticize their parenting and if you do make sure they can’t hear you because this might build a wall between you and them. Limit your complaining to your husband.
Help out your children when in need. Sure they need to learn lessons in life but life is full of lessons and you don’t have to make sure they learn them all your way, especially once they are older and on their own. It is OK to help them out with money, decisions, moves, advice, etc. Remember that they might come up to you and ask for help but they might also insinuate they need help if they are too proud, so offer help. You are their mom, you are one of the few people that they can always count on.
Do not, ever, judge your kids. Don’t judge them by their looks , don’t judge their partners or children, don’t ever judge the decisions they make and don’t feel sorry for them. What is important to you might not be important for them. Don’t forget they have their reasons for being and acting the way they do. If you feel a certain way about your children, their decisions or actions, speak with them directly about it but remember they are their own person. Talk to them like you would talk to a friend.
Avoid punishment or forms of it. It doesn’t work the way society makes you thinks it works. If you feel tempted to punish them read again “Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason” or any other book like that one. There are many gentle parenting ways so when you feel overwhelmed or don’t know what to do, look for help. Read about parenting, but not just now, do it forever. Your job as a parent never changes. Your role might change but you will always be their mom.
Offer to pay for their vacations with you if it’s within your reach, especially once they are older. Remember that starting a life on their own it’s expensive, so a little splurge here and there will be very much appreciated. Don’t forget how much you loved when your parents paid for your vacations.
Get involved with what they like doing, especially if they invite you. Don’t pretend to like it, just be honest. It might not be your favorite activity but you can still enjoy their company, and who knows, you might end up enjoying whatever activity you’re doing. Remember it’s all about spending time with your kids so say ‘yes’ and go with them. Your time with your children is limited.
Remember that the way you define happiness might not be the way they define happiness. The way you see life might not be the way the see life. What is important for them might not be important for you. They are their own person, with their own mind, feelings, goals and dreams. See their life through their eyes, not yours.
Above all, be a source of love and comfort. That is all you have to be.
Love,
Me.
Great idea for a post, Carolina, and very well-written! I am off to stay with my folks for a week so I will keep your thoughts in mind.
Thanks Savannah. I want to make this a regular thing because we tent to forget how we felt about certain things in our lives.
Good luck with your parents. We had a great time with mine and even more so Cami so I’m sure you’ll love it. 🙂
I really love this because there are so many things I think to myself “remember this when they’re adults”, but of course it’s so easy to forget if we don’t write it down.
I agree Jess. It’s really easy to forget. I think I’m going to make a habit of writing important stuff down so I can read it again in the future.
In 10 years you’ll read your post with great interest. MessageCapsules.net could help.
Thanks Susan! I’ll look into it.
I hope when I read this in 10 years I’ll be able to respect my own wishes. 🙂
Great post! Make sure you tell you future self how much your husband loves you.
I will! 🙂 I love you.